


Till the Day We Die

by thepielady



Category: Emperor's New Groove (2000)
Genre: Adventure, Angst, Animal Transformation, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Character Death, Children, Coming Out, F/M, Family, Gay Male Character, Gen, Humor, M/M, Male Friendship, Marriage, Snark, Teenagers, War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-08
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:27:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1074877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepielady/pseuds/thepielady
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kuzco and Pacha's friendship over the years.</p><p>(Archive warning only applies to third chapter.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'll never be able to make friends like you," said Kuzco. "Why d'you say that?" asked Pacha. Kuzco glared at him across the table. "Oh. Emperor. Right," Pacha said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've watched ENS, but I didn't incorporate any of that here. So no Malina. But I gave names to all the potential brides! Title taken from 'My Funny Friend And Me.'

"He's different," the servants whispered to each other. "He's changed."

The royal dresser whispered to one of the guards in the hall: "Yesterday, when he saw me, he asked, 'How are you?' Can you believe that?"

"That's nothing," the guard muttered. "I brushed against him this morning – he actually apologized. _Apologized_!"

The whole palace was abuzz.

* * *

The royal record keeper paced outside the breakfast room while the last of the servants filed out, carrying dirty breakfast dishes, napkins, and a tablecloth so large it took three servants to carry it through the door. Finally, the chef himself emerged, bowing as he retreated. "Thank you. Thank you your highness," he said. He bowed once more and shut the door.

"How is he?" the royal record keeper whispered to the chef.

"Quite an appetite for a man back from the dead," the chef whispered back.

Upon his return, Emperor Kuzco had summarily explained his absence: "Yzma tried to poison me, but she mixed up the potions and gave me a sedative instead! Knocked me out for three whole days, isn't that right Pacha?"

"Hmm? Oh yeah. That's exactly what happened. Yep."

"And Pacha here was good enough to keep the jaguars from mauling my unconscious corpse, weren't you buddy?"

"I did save his life a number of times."

"Aha ha ha… You can't turn your back for _one_ little second without someone staging a coup, am I right?" the Emperor had said.

Despite his explanation, most of the palace staff was sure that Emperor Kuzco had returned from the dead. Some even whispered that the Emperor was dead and a new man had taken his place. His strange change in attitude had done nothing to quell the rumors.

The royal record keeper entered the breakfast room to find the Emperor with his feet propped up on the table, leaning back in his chair. " _Aaaah_. I'll never miss a meal again…"

"Your highness, you sent for me?" asked the royal record keeper with a bow.

"Yep!" Kuzco exclaimed, sitting upright. "New orders, my man. Tell me _everything_ Yzma did in the past three days. Ready?"

"Yes your highness."

"Okay – go."

"Upon learning of your death, Madame Yzma arranged for your immediate mummification and for the construction of your tomb."

"Cancel the tomb – next."

"Madame Yzma arranged to develop and install new palace decorations–"

"Scrap 'em. Next?"

"Um… she then ordered construction on a new wing of the–"

"Cancel it."

"She ordered a new dress made by–"

"Don't care." Kuzco put his feet back up on the table. "Is that everything?"

"That is all, your highness. Madame Yzma and Mr. Kronk were not seen again until yesterday."

"Uh _huh._ Well first things first. Are you taking all _this_ down?" He gestured to the purple banners, stenciled with an outline of Yzma's profile that still hung from the ceiling. "Those things are _seriously_ throwing off my–"

The royal record keeper paused in his note-taking as Kuzco suddenly stopped talking. He looked up to see the Emperor staring into space.

"Your highness?"

Kuzco turned to look at him, and seemed to consider him for a moment. "Sorry," he said. "What's your name again?"

The royal record keeper realized he was staring. Immediately, he looked down and began to fiddle with a knotted string. _It's like he's a different person_ , the servants said. When he looked up, the Emperor was still waiting for an answer. "My name is Tupo," he said.

"Uh huh. Just curious: How long have you worked here?"

"Thirty-five years, your highness."

"Huh," Kuzco said. "Well Tupo, do you remember what's-his-name from the other day? The guy who uh… _fell_ out the window?"

"Yes, your highness."

"Who was he?"

"Um, who – who was he?"

"Yeah – I assume he had a _name_ , a hometown… loved ones maybe?"

"Well, the man's name was Rudy, your highness. He is a new member of the Advisory Council for the–"

"Yeah, I thought he looked familiar. Is he still around?"

"Um… yes your highness."

"Great. Summon him to the throne room, all right? I need to apologize."

Again, Tupo was speechless.

"I did something else that day," Kuzco said, staring at the far wall. "The last day before I left. What was it?"

"Uh…" Tupo looked back over his records. "I see you attended the ribbon cutting of the new aqueduct… then you blessed the sick children from Huacachi, then you blessed the new imperial caravel… then you ate lunch, then you met with the royal matchmaker to choose your bride, then–"

"Oh _right_! I remember. Those ugly ladies that might not have been so ugly after all. Are they still all around?"

"Um… no your highness. You see, after your… ah… death–"

"Got it. Well, better round them up again. And send Rudy into the throne room, 'kay?"

"Yes your highness," Tuco said, and the Emperor smiled at him. Not just a haughty, abrasive smirk. A smile that reached his eyes. The royal record keeper was halfway down the hall before he realized that the polite thing to do would be to smile back.

* * *

Being nice took so much _work_ , Kuzco reflected.

When the world had revolved around him, he didn't have to think about anything. He didn't have to worry about making good decisions. And he certainly didn't have to care about disappointing anyone.

Now it was all different.

Kuzco hadn't been a bad ruler. Really. After all, the kingdom practically ran itself. A small army of bureaucrats shipped crops from the lowlands to the highlands, and shipped wool from the highlands to the lowlands. Whenever someone needed a new storehouse or temple, they rounded up peasants to build it. Sometimes there would be a flood or storm or plague and a village wouldn't meet its quota, but the royal accountants always seemed to know how to move numbers around to fix it. All Kuzco had to worry about was saying yes or no at the right time, and dealing with the peasants who brought complaints before the Emperor.

Who had started that tradition anyway? he wondered. His father, probably. The man had established such an efficient bureaucracy, and built up such credibility for the throne, that his son could have lived, as Pacha had put it, like a selfish brat for the rest of his life.

No, he hadn't been a bad ruler, Kuzco reflected. Just not a very good one. He hadn't really _listened_ to any of those peasants who came to him with complaints. He never cared who would be displaced by a new temple or road (or vacation home). And he never bothered to remember anyone's names. He hadn't known the royal record keeper's name until a week ago, and he had worked at the palace longer than Kuzco had been alive.

It was little wonder no one cared when he had 'died.'

"Your highness?" A small voice broke through Kuzco's thoughts. From across the table, Yupa, Potential Future Bride #4, gave him a polite, ladylike stare.

"Yupa! Right," said Kuzco. "Props for coming in on such short notice. I just really wanted to apologize for… Uh… what was it I said again?"

"'Yikes,' your highness."

"Riiiight. Sorry about that. I was having a bad… fill in the blank. Anyway, I think it would be great if we could just start over."

"I would like that very much your highness."

"Great! I'm Kuzco. I like eating delicious food, line dancing, and taking long naps on the beach. Ha! And uh… what's _your_ story?"

"Your highness, I am an accomplished panpipe player and have extensive knowledge of spinning techniques as well as weaving patterns and designs. I was given a classical education–" _What is_ up _with this girl's voice?_ Kuzco found himself thinking. _It's like a swirling vortex of boring_. _I'm so tired all of a sudden… Is she still talking? I'm gonna die in this room…_

"And both of my older sisters have born healthy children," Yupa finished.

Kuzco cast around for something to say to that. "Sooo… you're the youngest?"

"No your highness. I have two younger brothers. My father is the district judge of Hupanki Province and my mother's father is a commander in the imperial navy. I–"

"Oh no kidding?" Kuzco interrupted. "I had to bless one of your granddad's boats the other day."

"A very happy occasion your highness."

A servant – Hualpa – reappeared to refill their sweet drinks. He seemed to flash Kuzco a look of sympathy as he retreated.

"Well Yupa, thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch… don't call us, we'll call you."

Yupa stood up and bowed. "Thank you very much your highness for your kind attention." She left the way she had arrived, with short, even steps.

Kuzco slumped down in his seat, closed his eyes and groaned.

"She was pretty," Hualpa offered from the corner.

"What?" Kuzco said, opening his eyes. "Oh yeah, I _know_ she was pretty. They're _all_ pretty. It's like I'm interviewing clones. Are you _sure_ they're not sending in the same one over and over?"

"Positive, your highness."

"Any chance they're septuplets?"

"No, your highness."

"Distant cousins?"

"No."

Kuzco sighed and rubbed his eyes. "If you say so. Okay. Show in Number Five."

* * *

"Mom, mom!" Tipo yelled. "Kuzco's home!"

"Kuzco is what?!" Chicha asked, wiping her hands on a towel.

"Let me see!" said Chaca. "Tipo, get out of the way!"

Chicha exchanged a curious look with Pacha, sitting at the kitchen table. With a grunt, he got to his feet and shuffled across the room to their squealing children.

"There's light in the windows, honey," said Pacha. Chicha joined her husband and children by the living room window. True to Pacha's word, there was a light in the window of Kuzco's vacation home on the neighboring hilltop.

"It's _very_ unlikely that Kuzco would come back to soon," Chaca reasoned. "Someone probably turned him into a llama again and stole his house!"

"Can I go see who it is mom?" Tipo asked.

"If he goes, I want to go!"

"Kids, no one's going tonight, it's too dark," Chica said.

"Maybe it's one of the workers?" Pacha wondered aloud.

"No… They should be gone by now, the house was finished a week ago," Chicha said. She glanced at Pacha. He was staring up at the house on the hilltop, frowning. Chicha cleared her throat, inclined her head toward Kuzco's house and raised her eyebrows meaningfully. Pacha's eyes twinkled in response.

"Okay kids," Pacha said. "Time for bed. I'll tuck you in."

"Yay!" the oblivious children yelled in unison, holding up their arms to be picked up. Pacha settled both kids on either of his broad shoulders and climbed the steep wooden staircase to the attic. Chicha winced as the steps creaked under his feet. From the kids' room, she heard Chaca giggling as Pacha lifted her into bed, and Tipo asking for "Mom." Minutes later, Pacha descended the staircase.

"They're all yours," he muttered, reaching for his green poncho.

"Be careful," Chicha said.

* * *

When Pacha arrived at the house on the neighboring hilltop, the lights had been snuffed out. Yet holding his torch up, he realized that the door was slightly ajar. With a frown, Pacha shifted his torch to his left hand and opened the door, letting the light illuminate the living area.

"Hello? Is anyone there?" he called out. "Kuzco?"

There was no reply.

Pacha mounted his torch on the wall and lit a small candle. As he inspected the living room, he noticed the new furnishings, installed last week: a long bench by the window, an untouched fireplace, soft woolen rugs on the floor, and a table and chairs near the kitchen. There was a candle on the table, as well as a thin stone tablet. Carefully, Pacha lifted the tablet up to the candlelight. It was a carving of seven beautiful women.

"None of them are as pretty as me."

"Gah!" Pacha yelled. He lifted his candle up to see Kuzco standing in an open doorway, rubbing his eyes.

"How'd you get in?" Kuzco yawned.

"The door was open," Pacha said. "What are you doing here? I thought you weren't coming for another few weeks."

"When I need a vacation, I need a _vacation_ ," Kuzco said with another yawn, crossing the room. He slumped into one of the chairs. "How is Clan Pacha?"

"Good! Oh, really good!" Pacha said. He reached out to light the candle on the table. "The kids are really excited about your new house. Man, the way they lit up when they saw the lights on up here. They were saying, 'Kuzco's home!' Ha ha… oh, and of course the baby is due any day now." Pacha settled himself in a chair.

"That's great, that's… really great. How's Chicha?"

Pacha smiled. "She's doing better this time around. When Chaca was born, I'm telling you, she was climbing the walls. Actually, we were _both_ climbing the walls, but don't tell her I admitted it."

Kuzco regarded Pacha from across the table. "Hey Pacha…" he said. "How did you and Chicha meet, anyway?"

"Hmm? Oh – We met when I was… gosh, how old was I?" Pacha thought. "Let's see, thirty years ago… fifteen, I was fifteen. Yup."

"Thirty years ago?"

"Yup."

" _Wow_ you're old. You're like the oldest old to ever old."

"Gee, thanks."

"So why did you two lovebirds wait so long to tie the knot?"

"Well, Chicha was a bit younger than me when we met. She was… Oh how old was she? Ten? She was actually a lot like Chaca is now – bossy but tough. Heh. Chicha was always trailing after me and my friends, trying to play ball with us. We all thought she was kind of annoying. But then I got a little older, and she got a little older…" Pacha trailed off with a grin. "We had to wait a long time to get married because her family needed her at home. But it was worth it. I swear – every year with her is better than the last."

Pacha looked across the table. Kuzco was staring at him like a puzzle piece that didn't fit.

"So," Pacha said. "Am I invited?"

"Invited to what?"

"To your wedding," Pacha said.

"My what? What wedding? There's no wedding. What's a wedding?"

"Kuzco."

"Okay, okay," Kuzco said. "I have to marry one of these ' _ladies_ …'" He made air quotes with his hands. _"_ But they're _not_ making it easy," He pointed at the women on the tablet. "These two don't talk. This one only says 'Yes' and 'No.' This one's voice puts me to sleep. This one still hasn't forgiven me for calling her ugly _one_ time. This one wouldn't shut up about her hair, and this one just agrees with whatever I say."

"Uh huh," Pacha said with a small grin. "And your problem is…?"

"It's not like I'm choosing a _prom_ date!" Kuzco exclaimed, oblivious to Pacha's amusement. "I'm gonna be stuck with this woman forever. And it's all _your_ fault."

"My fault!? How is this my fault?"

"If it hadn't been for you, I wouldn't have ever _had_ any friends. I could have just sunned myself on a beach for the rest of my life and I wouldn't have to worry about… you know…"

"Wouldn't have to worry about what?"

Kuzco seemed to be sinking lower into his chair and muttered, "You know… being alone. And… stuff."

"Kuzco," Pacha said. "You aren't going to end up alone. You're going to make lots more friends!"

"Yeah, but _how_? That's what I can't figure out!"

Pacha hoped his pity did not show in his face. "It just takes some time. After all, you've only been back at the palace a month."

"Hey, unlike some geezers, I have all the _time_ in the world," Kuzco muttered. "But I'll never be able to make friends like you."

"Why d'you say that?"

Kuzco glared at him across the table.

"Oh. Emperor. Right," said Pacha.

They sat in silence for a moment.

"I should be getting back home," Pacha said. "You sleep on it, all right? You know, my mother always told me that things look better in the daytime."

"Wow. That's a real gem. Be sure to thank Mommy Pacha for me."

Pacha reached across the table and rested his large hands on Kuzco's shoulders. "Hey. Stop it," he admonished. "Okay?"

Kuzco looked down. "I'm serious," Pacha said. "It'll be okay. I won't let you end up alone."

"Whatever you say," Kuzco said, looking down.

"Okay." Pacha gave Kuzco's shoulders a gentle squeeze. "I'll be seeing you," Pacha said, standing up. "You know you're welcome up at the hill anytime."

Kuzco nodded.

"Good night," Pacha said, almost saying 'Good night kids,' out of habit. With a last smile, he turned to go. It was only after his back was turned that he heard Kuzco mutter, "Thanks."

* * *

There must be a trick to it, Kuzco thought as he drifted off. Pacha had said it took 'time' to make friends. But the two of them had become friends almost overnight. And now that Pacha was his friend, Kuzco wondered how he had lived his entire life without one before. No matter what Kuzco said, Pacha only seemed to care about what Kuzco _did._ Pacha gave Kuzco warm smiles, and affectionate touches, and friendly advice, and bone-crushing hugs whenever Kuzco came to visit Chicha and the kids.

It felt good.

But barring another life-altering adventure through the jungle, he was stuck. Stuck at the palace with no one to talk to, no one who cared about him, and trying to choose a wife from seven random girls, not one of whom smiled at him the way Chicha smiled at Pacha.

If only he wasn't Emperor, he thought. _That_ was the problem. Pacha didn't treat him like the Emperor. He had 'made friends' with Pacha as a llama, not as a king. No guards, no crown, just him and his big mouth–

Wait. Wait a second.

What if–

No… it would never…

But what if–

Yes! Yes, it could work!

* * *

When Kuzco explained his plan to Hualpa, the servant looked as though Kuzco had just given birth to a llama. When Kuzco finished giving Hualpa a tour of Yzma's "Secret Lab," Hualpa looked as though the llama had whipped out a top hat and cane and started tap dancing.

"After Yzma left, I came down here and labeled all of them. See?" Kuzco said, showing Hualpa the vials. "No _way_ am I turning into a llama-turtle-bird-whale again."

"Your highness," said Hualpa, with feigned calm. "There must be someone else you trust to help you with this endeavor…"

"Are you going to kill me and usurp power in a crazy evil coup?"

"No…"

"Then I trust you! Now. Here's the human potion." Kuzco tossed it to Hualpa, who almost dropped it twice, and finally clutched it to his chest. "I'll make my rounds and come find you later. No one will even know I'm gone," Kuzco said.

"Yes your highness."

"You know, if we're going to be friends, you should start calling me Kuzco. What do you say?"

"Yes Emperor Kuzco."

"…Yeah okay, we'll work on that. Bottoms up!" Kuzco downed the potion.

The next thing he knew, Hualpa was looking down at him in shock. Kuzco held up his hands – now paws – and reached up to feel his ears and whiskers. "Hah! Boom baby!" he yelled, spinning around on one leg. "Check this out! I'm an adorable, irresistible furry ball of cuteness! This might just be the best idea I've ever had."

Hualpa sat down, hard.

"All right," Kuzco said, easily leaping up onto the table, eye level with Hualpa. "So the story is that I'm still kicking back at my vacation home for some much deserved R&R."

"What if something goes wrong?" Hualpa asked.

"Wrong? Please. Nothing will go wrong," Kuzco said, and turned to go. "But in case it does, get Pacha."

"Who, the village leader?"

"Yeah. He'll know what to do. Time's a-wasting my man – wish me luck!"

Kuzco scampered across the room, out the door, and down the hall to the guest rooms.

Kuzco crept forward along the wall, towards a servant who was awkwardly knocking on one of the doors while balancing a breakfast tray on one hand. At just the right moment, he darted in past the servant's unsuspecting legs and leaped onto a windowsill.

"Serving Girl!" Potential Bride #1 snapped. Her name was Moaca, Kuzco remembered. She was the one who had agreed with everything he said. "I said I wanted _wheat_ toast."

"I'm terribly sorry my lady," the servant – Nachi – said, bowing low next to the offending breakfast tray.

"Take it back," Moaca ordered. When Nachi made to take the toast and leave the omelette, Moaca scoffed. "Don't _leave_ that. It'll get cold and nasty if you leave it out. Make another one and do it right this time."

"Yes my lady. Right away my lady." Nachi scurried out of the room with the tray. Kuzco watched her go with a mix of pity and amusement.

Moaca slipped on her bathrobe over her nightdress and yawned before finally noticing the cat on the windowsill.

"Hello kitty," she said, reaching out to scratch Kuzco behind the ears. Kuzco felt his eyes close in bliss. _Focus!_ he thought to himself.

There was a knock at the door.

"Come in," Moaca called. The doorknob twisted open and Yupa slipped in. "So?" Moaca asked her.

"They say he's gone to stay at his vacation home," Yupa said. "Hopefully making a decision."

"I suppose it's out of our hands now," Moaca said, checking her fingernails.

"I suppose," Yupa said. "Whose cat is this?"

"Oh, I don't know honey, he just wandered in." Moaca rubbed Kuzco's belly, causing Kuzco's leg to twitch.

"The Emperor will probably pick someone like Huachi," Yupa said, sitting down on Moaca's bed. "A bimbo with nothing to say. Boys are all like that."

"Please, hon. Just because you babbled and lost your chance doesn't mean the rest of us didn't know what to say."

"Oh?" Yupa inquired with a blank smile, the perfect model of genteel politeness. "And how did you approach him?"

Moaca sighed. "I just agreed with his asinine comments and laughed at all his stupid little jokes," she said. Kuzco stopped purring. He stared up at the girl through narrowed eyes. She continued to stroke him, unconcerned.

"And you don't think he saw _right_ through that?" Yupa inquired sweetly.

"Some of us aren't so completely transparent," Moaca said, examining her reflection in the mirror. "You really think he doesn't know all about your grandfather's career? Or the fact that you're trying to get all your brothers posts in the royal army?"

Yupa's eyes hardened. "At least I care about someone other than myself. And my morning toast."

"Sticks and stones honey," Moaca replied. "You know the way out, don't you?"

As Yupa stalked to the door, Kuzco leapt down to the floor and ran ahead of her. Yupa slammed the door shut and made an obscene gesture at Moaca through the wall.

Ordinarily, Kuzco would have laughed at the put-out look at Yupa's face. But he was in no mood after that little display. _Asinine_ little jokes? Didn't she know he could have her thrown off a cliff? Imprisoned for life? Banished from the Empire forever?!

He should have known something was wrong with her. She had been so nice to him. No one was that nice.

Kicking himself, he padded along the hallway until he reached a door that was slightly ajar. He heard laughter from inside. Reaching up with one paw, he pulled the door open and trotted in.

Three of the girls were sitting on the bed in the middle of the room – Chipa, the one who had talked non-stop about her hair, Wanti, the one who had only replied 'Yes' and 'No,' and Wayna, the one who still held the 'great personality' comment against him.

"Aww, look, a cat!" Wayna exclaimed. Kuzco eagerly leapt up on the bed and rolled on his back so the girls could rub his belly.

"I wonder if it belongs to the Emperor," Wanti said, rubbing Kuzco's cheeks with her fingers. "Don't you think the cat kind of looks like him?"

"Huh, you're right," Wayna said. "But _this_ guy's a big sweetie – Aren't you? Aren't you, you little cutie? Yes you are!"

"Wayna, you have to let that go," Chipa said. "He apologized to all of us for before."

"Please, that apology was as fake as his dumb personality," Wayna said. "It was obvious he didn't mean it."

"Yeah. Like I _totally_ meant it when I told him I loved line-dancing and disco music," Wanti said, rolling her eyes. "We all do what we have to do."

"He'll probably just let his advisors pick his bride," Chipa said. "I can hope. Then maybe it won't count against me that I lost it and started babbling about my shampoo."

The girls sat in thought.

"At least he's kind of cute," Wanti said.

"Eww! No, no," Chipa insisted. "I've seen _llamas_ is cuter than him."

The rest of the girls laughed.

"' _Hate_ your hair,'" Wayna mimicked with a grin.

"'Yikes, yikes, and yikes,'" Chipa chortled.

"I bet your llama has a _greeeat_ personality…" Wanti said, and they all burst out laughing. Kuzco hopped to the floor and trotted out the door, tail firmly between his legs. The girls' laughter echoed down the hall after him.

He retreated under a table and tried to take deep breaths. It was hard when his lungs were so small.

After a long while, he dragged himself from his hiding spot. He heard two voices coming from behind the last door on the hallway. For a moment, he wondered if he could really stand it, listening in again.

Knowing was better than not knowing, he tried to convince himself.

With a raised paw, he scratched at the door until he heard footsteps approach. One of the girls – Ticha, her name was – stared down at him.

"Meow?" he asked.

"Aww, how cute!" Ticha said. "Come here kitty." Kuzco stood up on his hind legs and allowed her to pick him up in her warm arms. She carried him to the bed where the last girl, Huachi, was lying face down, sniffling.

"Whose cat do you think it is?" Ticha asked, scratching him behind his ears.

Huachi did not answer. Her face was covered in tears. She tentatively reached out to give Kuzco a pet along his spine.

"Don't worry sweetie, he probably won't pick you," Ticha said, dropping him on the bed. Kuzco lay down in front of Huachi and rolled over onto his back.

"I don't know what I'll do if he does," Huachi said with a sniff, rubbing Kuzco's belly.

"Maybe we should have a Plan B. Just in case Plan A doesn't work." Dimly, Kuzco remembered that these were the two girls who had just stared dumbly at him during their interviews. Had that been their 'Plan A?'

"Maybe Plan B should be to act crazy," Ticha continued. "That's how my aunt got out of marrying the senior magistrate."

"Act crazy? What do you mean?"

"You know…" Ticha got out of bed and bowed low to Kuzco and Huachi. "Hello your highness. It is a pleasure to see you again–BARK BARK BARK!"

Kuzco was under the bed before he realized what had happened.

"Oh, Ticha, you scared him," Huachi said through tears of laughter. "Here kitty, come on out… oh, Ticha, that was so funny…"

"It was supposed to be scary. At least I scared the cat."

"I have an idea!" Huachi said, sitting up. "Maybe if we were just really _boring_. Like, reciting old poetry and talking about the weather."

"Uh, maybe," Ticha said, looking down.

There was an awkward pause.

"I'm just not ready to get married," Huachi whispered. "I don't _want_ to leave home."

"I didn't want to leave home when I was your age either," Ticha said. "You know, the Emperor's pretty young also. Maybe you could try to just telling the truth. Just be honest with him." Kuzco found himself nodding before he remembered that cats did not nod.

"I don't know…" Huachi said.

"I mean, he _does_ seem kind of self-centered. But at least he's honest about it. And I'm sure he gets people sucking up to him all the time. Maybe he'd appreciate the honesty."

"Or maybe he'd get mad at me and imprison me for life," Huachi muttered.

"Huh. I didn't think of that. Maybe you should go with the barking plan."

Huachi chuckled. "Maybe."

Suddenly, Kuzco felt himself being lifted off his feet and draped over Ticha's shoulder. "Come on kitty. You can help me pack," Ticha asked him, rubbing down his spine.

"What are you packing for?" Huachi asked.

"I already decided I was going home today," Ticha said. "I only live a day's walk away. I don't need to wait around here for him to make up his mind – I can just as easily wait at home."

"What if he picks you, but then finds out you left?"

"If he waited _this_ long to decide who to marry, he can wait another day."

Ticha carried Kuzco back to her room and deposited him on her bed in a basket of folded clothes. "Now, where was I?" she asked herself. She sat on the bed and began sorting through a box of jewelry, untangling the necklaces from each other.

Kuzco peered up at her face. Without any makeup on, she looked less like a pod person. She had a full, heart-shaped face with pointed eyebrows and soft lips. She locked eyes with Kuzco and smiled. Her eyes were warm and intelligent. His stomach flip-flopped.

"You're cuter than your master, that's for sure," Ticha said, stroking Kuzco's back. "He's attractive and all, he's just not my type. He's just so… silly. You know? I really prefer them strong and silent… a bit more meat on the bone, you know what I mean?" She smiled again. "It is what it is."

She closed the jewelry box and wrapped a piece of twine around it, sealing it shut.

"Huachi is so _young_ ," Ticha muttered. "I happen to _like_ learning about the weather and poetry. I practically know every line to _Apu Ollantay_. But maybe the Emperor would find it boring enough to refuse me." She smiled. "Let's experiment. ' _In spite of all I swear to love / My heart is as a lamb with her. / That lovely star, that tender dove; / I shall not yield nor shall defer.'_ "

Kuzco remembered seeing that play. He hadn't really been paying attention. He was paying attention now.

"I've only seen it so many times because it's one of Qolla's favorites," Ticha said. "But it _does_ help in showing people I'm well-educated."

Kuzco put his head down on the bed and closed his eyes as she started to recite again. He imagined, just for a moment, being married to her. He would be laying half-asleep on the bed, like this, as she puttered around and put things away. He would always tell her, 'Hon, let the servants do it,' but she would like to do things for herself, and it was one of the things he would love about her. After she would run out of things to do, she would crawl into bed with him and they would be warm and together and never alone again…

* * *

Kuzco woke to Ticha scratching his belly.

"Wow kitty, you slept the whole way home," Ticha said.

Kuzco's eyes snapped open.

He was still sleeping in the same clothes basket. But the bed was different. The woolen blanket was courser than the sheets at the palace. The room was smaller, but lived-in, with personal knick-knacks strewn about.

"It must have been the way the palanquin was rocking," Ticha said. "I've never seen a cat just conk out like that. Anyway… I'm been thinking I should call you 'Kuti.' What do you think?" Ticha asked.

"I think you're cute too."

Ticha shrieked and fell backwards off the bed.

"Ticha?" someone called from outside.

"Oh no… oh no… oh no… stay out! Stay out of here!" Ticha yelled at the person outside, scrambling backwards. "The cat is possessed!"

"What?!" the person yelled. The door latch started to rattle.

"I'm not possessed," Kuzco said.

"Well, cats aren't supposed to talk! I would know if cats talked, and they don't!"

"Ticha, who's in there with you?" the voice called through the door.

"Look, I'm sorry, okay? I'm not a cat, I'm the Emperor. I turned into a cat to spy on you. I didn't mean to fall asleep. It's not _my_ fault your poem was so soothing."

"You – how – what–" Ticha blinked as she took in his red fur coat and black mane, which looked suspiciously like shoulder-length black hair.

Someone pounded on the door. "Ticha! What's going on?!"

Ticha glared down at Kuzco before turning to unlatch the lock. A younger woman barged in. She was several inches shorter than Ticha, but otherwise looked almost exactly the same. "Ticha, what happened?" she demanded.

"Our new cat is the Emperor."

"What?!"

"Hi there," Kuzco said.

The young woman screamed and jumped back to hide behind Ticha.

"Look, I'm sorry for the inconvenience," Kuzco tried again. "But I'd really appreciate it if you sent word for the palanquin that brought you here, so they could take me back to the palace."

"Why is the Emperor a cat?" the young woman asked, completely ignoring Kuzco's request.

"He was spying on us, apparently," said Ticha.

"The Emperor can turn into animals?" the woman asked. "That's so cool!" She turned to Kuzco. "Does this mean you're going to marry my sister?"

"No," Kuzco and Ticha answered at the same time.

"Look," Kuzco said. "I have to get back to the palace, so I can drink the potion to turn back–"

"I'll take him!" Ticha's sister cut in.

"Qolla, _no_ ," Ticha said. "He still has a lot of questions to answer."

"Uh, I have a question to ask _you_ ," Kuzco said. "Why did you kidnap a random cat and take it home with you? Huh? Huh?"

"I asked the servants!" Ticha exclaimed. "None of them had ever seen you before – I assumed you were a stray! Why did _you_ spy on us?!"

"Hey, I _know_ it was a stupid thing to do. But I _had_ to find out what you all were really like and _no one_ was telling me the truth!"

"Maybe if you didn't throw people out of windows who disagreed with you, people would be more honest!" Ticha said.

"I haven't thrown anyone out of a window in over a month," Kuzco scoffed. "And look, I'm not even going to punish any of you for saying mean things about me! So there."

"I didn't say anything mean about you!"

"Not you, the others. Moaca… and Chipa, and Wayna and Wanti…"

"I don't blame them," Ticha said. "We're dragged up to the palace once, put up for display like we're on auction, shunted away, dragged up a _second_ time… What did you expect?"

"Hey, at least I tried this time," Kuzco said. "I _tried_ to get to know you. But that didn't work. So I tried something else. It's called _adjusting._ "

"Yeah, but why did you decide to turn into a _cat_?" Ticha demanded.

"Duh! Because everybody _loves_ cats!"

"And what, everyone hates you?"

Kuzco tilted his head. "Well, when you say it like that, it sounds super-depressing."

Both girls stared at him.

"That's kind of sad," Qolla pointed out.

"So are you going to take me back to the palace or what?" Kuzco demanded.

Ticha sighed and rubbed her eyes. "I can't believe I'm doing this," she said. "I can take you as far as the village outskirts. But no further."

"I'll come to supervise," Qolla offered.

"No, Qolla. I need you to head off mom," Ticha said.

Qolla gave a dramatic sigh. "I never get to do anything fun."

"This isn't going to be fun," Ticha said. "This is a pain in the neck."

"Hey. You're the one who kidnapped me, remember?" Kuzco said, hopping down off the bed.

"You could've stopped me from rubbing your _belly_!" Ticha snapped. "Ugh, I need to wash my hands about fifty seven _thousand_ times."

Qolla headed out Ticha's room and down the hallway. Ticha and Kuzco tiptoed the other way, down a side staircase. When they reached the bottom, Ticha remained out of sight and motioned for Kuzco to wait.

"Mom!" Qolla said, emerging from the main staircase into the living area where a middle-aged woman sat weaving a poncho from bright red and white thread. "Ticha brought a cat home!"

"What?!" the woman exclaimed. "She knows she's not allowed."

"Come see," Qolla said. The woman set her weaving down and followed Qolla up the staircase. Ticha and Kuzco slipped through the living room and out the door.

"Sneaky," Kuzco nodded approvingly. "Why do I get the feeling you've done this before?"

"You'd think mom would catch on eventually," Ticha said. "But she never does."

Ticha lived in a two story stone house at the end of a courtyard decorated with slate rock pathways and flowering plants. Kuzco hopped from one stone to the next as they crossed the yard. It was afternoon, and the street was moderately busy with messengers running errands and peasants herding llamas one way or the other. No one noticed the girl walking alongside a cat down the main road.

"Remind me what your family does again?" Kuzco asked.

"They're scholars."

"Ah."

After a moment, Ticha continued. "Dad studies meteorology."

"So… the weather."

"Yeah. The weather. Mom is studying poetry."

"Oh. Good," Kuzco said, and inwardly winced. _You sound like a bigger idiot than Kronk_.

"Your mother appointed my parents to their posts at the university," Ticha said.

"She did?"

"Yeah. Twenty-four years ago, two years before I was born."

"Oh."

"You didn't know that? Their friendship is probably why the matchmaker picked me for the lineup."

"No, I uh… guess I didn't."

They walked in silence for a few minutes.

"What was wrong with Huachi?" Kuzco asked.

"Who?" Ticha asked.

"The girl with water spurting from her eyes?"

"Oh, right. Huachi is… I think she's just going through some rough times. Apparently her father died recently and now she feels obligated to move out so her mother doesn't have to provide for her. But she's not really ready – she's only sixteen. So she's upset."

Kuzco thought for a moment what Chica and her children would do if Pacha died. "That's awful," he said.

"Yeah. So she's hoping if you pick her, she could convince you to let her live at home for a few years."

"I won't pick her. You were right, what you said."

"Which time?"

"About her being honest with me. I mean… if a girl had a sob story like that… no one's _that_ heartless."

"So if not me, and not her… who are you going to pick?"

Kuzco sighed. "Maybe I'll just marry all of you, and send you all away. That'll make everyone happy. All your parents will be thrilled, the matchmaker will be thrilled, my advisors will be thrilled. And none of us will have to actually be around each other."

"Why do you need to get married _now_ anyway?" Ticha asked. "You don't sound like you want to."

"Well, I did _want_ to," Kuzco said. "I figured…" He trailed off.

"What?" Ticha asked.

"Nothing."

"Oh come on..."

"Oh come on yourself."

"Fine," Ticha snapped, and they walked in silence for another few minutes. Kuzco risked a glance at her and saw her considering him thoughtfully.

"What?" he asked.

"What if I carried you the rest of the way?"

"Whoa, really?"

"Hop on up."

Kuzco bounded off a nearby stone wall into Ticha's arms. She draped him over her shoulders.

"Aaah," Kuzco said, letting his head rest on Ticha's collarbone. "Now is this so bad?"

"Feels like a little fuzzy neck warmer," Ticha remarked.

"I've been called worse."

Ticha laughed, causing Kuzco's head to perk up. "You thought that was funny?" he asked. "You think I'm funny?!"

"Don't push your luck your highness," said Ticha.

Kuzco settled back down. "Okay. Okay, about the marriage thing. It's just that… My whole life, I've had servants, and I've had peasants to rule over, and that was about it, right? But then I made a friend about a month ago and… it's nice. Really nice."

Ticha waited for him to continue.

"He and his wife are great. They're best friends too. So I figured if I got married…"

"You'd have another friend," Ticha realized.

"Right. I don't have to get married for women to – uh… nevermind. Forget I said anything. I want to keep this PG. The point is I don't want to just pick one that's pretty or has great hair. I want one who… you know… likes me. And stuff."

"That's… really sweet."

"Sweet?"

"Yeah. You know what? Girls really like it when you say stuff like that. Show your emotions a bit."

"I thought you prefer strong and silent types with meat on the bone."

Ticha dug her fingers into Kuzco's tail.

"Ow… ow… ow!"

"Girls also like their privacy," Ticha said.

"I'm really sorry, okay? I didn't really see another way."

"I'm getting that," Ticha said.

"When I made my other friend, I was a llama."

"Wait – what?"

He told her the story as they walked out of town. "Wow," Ticha said, shaking her head in disbelief. "Your life is a lot weirder than I thought it was."

"My life got exponentially weirder when Yzma decided to kill me."

"Oh hey, there's Manca!" Ticha pointed to a llama herder kneeling in the dirt by the side of the road, trimming her llama's toenails. The peasant girl wore a simple peasant smock, had long hair in a single braid down her back, and a seemingly permanent frown as she bent over her llama's back feet.

"Hi Manca," Ticha said, approaching her.

Manca looked up, blowing her bangs out of her eyes. "Hey Ticha," she said. "What's going on?"

"I have a favor to ask," Ticha said. "This talking cat accidentally came back from the palace with me this morning, and he needs to get back to the city."

Manca considered the cat as Ticha lowered him to the ground.

"Did you say talking cat?" Manca asked.

"Yes," Kuzco and Ticha both said. Manca looked from one to the other, then shrugged. "All right. I'll be a minute here."

"Take your time," Ticha said. Kuzco and Ticha settled on the nearby stone wall while Manca put the llama's hoof down and moved onto the other leg. "Foot," she said to the llama. "Foot." The llama deigned to place his back hoof in her hand. "Good boy," she said.

"This girl seems suspiciously okay with talking cats," Kuzco whispered.

"She told me once that all animals can talk in some way or another," Ticha whispered back. "She's a character. But her bark is worse than her bite. Don't let her bully you."

"Hey. Would I let anyone boss _me_ around?"

"Maybe if they offered to rub your belly," Ticha teased.

"Funny."

Ticha smiled down at him. "It was nice getting to know you," she said. "I'm sorry I didn't actually talk to you during the interview thing."

"Well… the barking dog thing might have just made you more attractive, who knows."

Ticha laughed.

"Thanks," Kuzco said. "For you know… bringing me out here."

Ticha shook her head. "It was nothing."

Kuzco swallowed. _Okay Kuzco. Just say it. You're the king of the world. You have nothing to be afraid of,_ he thought. "Listen. Ticha. Um…" he began. "Do you – I mean… I really sort of liked chatting with you and I know the whole marriage thing isn't going to happen but…" _'Can I come visit you sometime.'_ "Do you think when I'm in the neighborhood… do you think I might…" _'Can I come visit you sometime.'_ "And of course if you're ever in the city you're welcome to… um… that is–"

"Stop!" Ticha laughed. "Just stop. Of course I'll visit you. And I'd be happy to have you over anytime. My mother would be even happier."

"You two lovebirds about done?" Manca asked.

"Oh sure," Ticha said, standing up and dusting off her skirts. "Thanks again Manca." Ticha scooped Kuzco up and deposited him on the llama's back.

"Yeah, thanks Manca," Kuzco added, struggling to find his footing.

Manca grunted and yanked on the llama's lead.

"Bye Ticha!" Kuzco called as the llama train began to move. "Don't be a stranger! Drop me a line!"

"See you soon!" Ticha called, waving good bye.

Kuzco watched her until they rounded a corner. Ticha gave him a big smile from as she faded from view. If he hadn't been so worried about falling off the llama, he would have danced for joy.

"Aww," Manca said. "I think I'm gonna cry."

"Wouldn't have pegged you as such a delicate little daisy," Kuzco replied. Manca turned to glare at him. Kuzco raised his eyebrows.

Finally, after a tense moment, Manca's glare turned into a smirk. She turned back to the road without another word.

"So," Kuzco said. "Are we there yet?"

* * *

"I'm sorry," Hualpa told Pacha. "I'm really, really, really sorry! The Emperor said I should get you but I _know_ you must be busy and I didn't want to bother you but–"

"It's okay… just calm down. We'll figure this out together. Now, where did you last see him?"

"He was going up to the guest rooms," Hualpa said.

"Okay. We'll start there. Don't worry, we'll find him." As Hualpa seemed to calm down, Pacha could feel his own worry growing. He should have known Kuzco was planning something crazy. He should have stayed with him longer that night… should have talked to him…

When they arrived at the guest rooms, there was a servant coming down the steps.

"Nachi," Hualpa said, hurrying forward. "Did you see a red and black cat around here?"

"Yeah, this morning," Nachi said. "One of the girls took it home when she left."

"She _what_?!" Hualpa gulped.

"She asked if it belonged to anyone. I had never seen it before, so I told her it was a stray. Did I make a mistake?"

"No, no, you didn't do anything wrong," Pacha assured her as Hualpa gnawed on his nails. "Which lady was it?"

"Ticha. The scholars' daughter."

"She lives to the South," Hualpa said, perking up. "Close by. Closer than any of the others. Her village is only a few hours' walk." He let out a long sigh of relief.

Pacha did not voice his own fears. Did not say aloud that during Kuzco's last stint as an animal, he had almost died several times, and it was only thanks to Pacha and Kronk's pity that he was alive. Pacha and Hualpa hurried to the South entrance, where they could see Ticha's village.

"See?" Hualpa pointed from where they stood on the Southern courtyard. The village was closer to the palace than Pacha's village was to the West. "It's not that far at all."

"Yeah, but it's going to be dark soon," Pacha said. "We shouldn't start searching at night."

"You're probably right. This was so _stupid_ ," Hualpa said, fisting his hair. "I should have done something…" He sighed. "But then again, what was I supposed to do, tell him 'No?'"

Pacha frowned. "I do all the time."

Hualpa stared up at him. "Really?"

"Oh yeah. It's how we became friends."

Hualpa considered Pacha's words. "You don't work for him, though."

"That's true," Pacha acknowledged.

"You know he had a guy thrown out a window once?"

"Oh yeah, I saw that."

Hualpa sighed and rubbed his temples. He opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly, stood up straighter. He had heard a familiar laugh.

"Do you–"

"Yup."

They watched as a llama herder and a flock of llamas came around a bend in the path up to the palace. Kuzco the cat was trotting along at the herder's feet. In the next moment, he said something that caused the herder to burst out laughing.

"Thank you sweet merciful Inti," Hualpa breathed.

 _Good job Kuzco_ , Pacha thought.

"–more than one way to skin a cat," the herder, a peasant girl, said as they came into hearing range.

"Hey, there you go with those implications again," Kuzco said, and the girl laughed.

Kuzco's ears flicked up when he saw Pacha and Hualpa. "Hey hey hey! If it isn't my main village man and my new bestest buddy! What, were you looking for me? I had everything under control."

"We're just glad you're okay," Pacha said.

"I'm the Emperor – I'm always okay."

"He almost died twice on the way back here," the girl pointed out.

"Ix-nay on the eth-day," Kuzco muttered. "By the way, Manca, this is Pacha and Hualpa, Pacha and Hualpla, this is Manca."

"I saved his life twice," Manca said by way of introduction.

"I saved his life at least three times," Pacha said.

"Hey hey, less talkey more changey. Hualpa, you got the goods?"

"Yes your highness." He kneeled down and handed Kuzco the vial.

Manca watched with fascination as Kuzco transformed into a human. "Ha! I'm me again!" Kuzco yelled in celebration. "Boom baby!"

"Wow. I gotta get me some of that," Manca said.

Kuzco spun around. "Manca," he said, taking one of her hands in his. "How can I ever repay you for saying my life?"

"I'll think of something devious," Manca said.

"Hey baby, remember my powers are limited."

" _You_? Mr. King of the World? Mr. 'Quintessence of Perfection That Is He?'"

"You know what they say about people who always need the last word?" Kuzco asked.

"I don't know. I never let them say it," Manca said, and Manca and Kuzco both burst out laughing. Hualpa glanced at Pacha, raising an eyebrow.

"All right Kuzco. Take care," Manca said, turning to go.

"Hey, don't be a stranger, all right?"

"You come visit me sometime! I'll teach you how to trim Liko's toenails!"

"Yeah, all right, I'll see you on the flipside of _never_!"

"I know where you live!"

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

Manca waved and disappeared around the corner with Liko the Llama. Without missing a beat, Kuzco whirled around to face Pacha and Hualpa. "So," he said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, the usual," Pacha said. "Chicha's doing fine, Chaca learned a new equation at school… oh, and Kuzco turned into something small and furry. Just another day."

"Hey," Kuzco said. "I'll have you know I spied on _all_ my potential future brides and made _two_ new friends. Three if you count Hualpa. Speaking of," Kuzco said, turning to his servant. "When was the last time you saw your family?"

"Um… several months ago your highness."

"Take a vacation," Kuzco said.

"Yes your high – I mean… Kuzco."

Kuzco could not quell a brief, delighted smile. "Get going and get gone, my buddy."

Hualpa bowed and left.

"That was nice of you," Pacha said.

"Hmm? Oh yeah. Yeah. It's the new me. Changed man and so forth."

"Yeah. Yeah I see that."

Kuzco was still watching the corner where Manca had disappeared.

"So," Pacha said, already knowing the answer to the question he was about to ask. "Have you decided who you're going to marry?"

"Nope," Kuzco said cheerfully. "But I can tell you right now I'm _not_ going to marry any of those girls my advisors picked. None of them like me. Except for Ticha, but only as a friend. Pacha!" Kuzco said excitedly. "I made a friend! On purpose!"

"It looks like you made two," Pacha said. "Manca?"

"Oh, Manca's _great._ She's _funny_ , and she thinks _I'm_ funny… Ha! She can be my friend too! Pacha," Kuzco grabbed Pacha's hands. "I _like_ people! I like meeting new people! I just never knew how much fun it was! Or how _easy_ it was!"

Pacha suddenly reminded of Tipo tugging at his hands, saying 'Dad, watch me do a hand stand! Dad, look!'

"I'm glad for you," Pacha said, squeezing Kuzco's hands. "I really am. But listen… don't forget about your old friends, okay? Especially with all the new ones you're gone to make."

Kuzco was about to say something clever. Pacha could tell. Maybe something like, 'There's more than enough Kuzco to go around!' But Kuzco seemed to stop himself. "I won't," he said with a nod.

"Good. Well… okay," Pacha said, and before he could say or do anything else, Kuzco had jumped forward into a hug. Pacha wrapped his arms around Kuzco and squeezed him to his chest, easily lifting the younger man off his feet. They stood there for a long moment before Pacha lowered Kuzco to the ground and dropped a quick kiss on the top of Kuzco's head.

"Hey hey hey, no touchey," Kuzco said, pulling away.

"Right. Forgot."

"So." Kuzco coughed. "Dinner? Or do you have to be–"

"No, I can stay," Pacha said. "What's it going to be, seafood?"

"Oh yeah, Tuesday's usually fish tacos."

They walked up the stairs to the palace together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I conceived of this as one of three chapters following Kuzco and Pacha's friendship throughout their lives. I haven't written the other two chapters yet but I have a general idea of what I want to happen. Now we'll just see how long it takes me to write it.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The plan is brilliant. Kuzco is a spoiled brat. His only friends are lying sycophants. Once his power is gone," Yzma swept her hand across the cold air. "There will be no one left on his side."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Remember when this fic was supposed to be three little chapters about friendship? Yeah, this one kind of got away from me.

As soon as Kuzco opened his eyes that morning, he remembered that the day was going to be sunny and cool – a perfect day for traveling.

"Good morning, your highness," Nachi whispered from the far side of the room as she pulled the curtains from the window and secured them with a knot.

Kuzco yawned and observed Nachi's quick motions, too fast for so early in the morning. "Let me guess," Kuzco said. "The kids have been up since dawn?"

"Yes, your highness."

Kuzco sat up in bed, his gaze falling on his wife. She was sleeping soundly, with more than her share of the blankets wrapped around her legs.

"Oh," Nachi said, as she laid out Kuzco's red tunic and his wife's red dress. "Before I forget. A few of the advisors wanted a word before you left."

"I'm sorry, did you say, 'Advisors?'"

"Yes."

"And they want a word right before I leave?"

"Yes."

"Right before I leave on vacation?"

"Yes, your highness."

"Just one word?"

"Yes, your highness?"

"And what? What? 'It can't...'"

"And it can't wait until next week," Nachi finished.

"Ha! _What_ did I tell you? _What_ did I say?"

"You said this would happen."

"I did. It's such a struggle, being so smart, and clever, and almost clairvoyant, but I manage, don't I?"

"You do, your highness."

"Well tell them to buzz off, why don't you? It can wait until I'm back. Or, you know. _Never_."

"Ordinarily I would, your highness," Nachi said. "But Hualpa said that it was important."

"Oh, it's  _Hualpa_? Oh okay, all right, it's fine. Have a separate breakfast tray sent to the conference room?"

"Yes, your highness," Nachi said, and retreated with a bow.

Kuzco stretched and regarded his wife, still asleep. The woman would sleep through earthquakes – and had done so twice.

"Qolla," Kuzco whispered. Qolla did not stir. "Qolla, wake up," he said aloud. Still nothing. He bent down to whisper in her ear. "Qolla… Huacuti is dead," he said, naming one of her favorite poets.

"Snzrk – huh?" Qolla's eyes blinked open. Kuzco pressed a kiss to her lips.

"Morning handsome," he said. "Oh, I'm sorry! There I go, talking to myself again…"

Qolla's lips curled up in a smirk. "Good morning love of my life," she said. "Have you seen my husband around?"

Kuzco chuckled. "I think he's trying to come up with some new material," he said.

"That bit _really_ hasn't been funny since our honeymoon," Qolla agreed.

"I knew you humored me."

"Only every single day," Qolla said, and Kuzco laughed.

It had been seven years since he knew that he would marry her.

After his adventure as a cat, Kuzco had gained two new friends - Ticha, Qolla's sister, and Manca, the llama herder. His crush on Ticha faded as they got to know each other, but Manca became his first long-term serious-girlfriend.

People teased them about marriage for years.

But then, at some point - he couldn't pinpoint when, exactly - Kuzco realized that things had changed. He was still friends with Ticha... but his visits to her had become more of an excuse to see Qolla than anything else.

Qolla was just so much more _fun_ than her sister. They could laugh about anything and could talk for hours and Qolla dragged him to tons of concerts that he pretended to hate. For some reason, Manca and Qolla never managed to get along. When Manca and Kuzco finally broke up, she snapped at him: "I'm sure you and Qolla will be very happy together."

It took an embarrassingly long time for Kuzco to figure out that he wanted to spend more time with Qolla – not just more time - _all_ his time. Every chance he got. Every spare second. Forever.

And one month, three days, six hours, ten minutes and twenty-two seconds after he had realized this, after he had reached to hold her hand and she had reached for him, he woke up to find Qolla watching him sleep.

"Hi," Kuzco had whispered.

"Hi," Qolla had whispered back. "Last night... last night was amazing."

"Yeah," Kuzco had replied, for the first time in his life at a loss for words. His heart swelling with the purest joy–

"What was your name again?" Qolla asked. "I've just been calling you 'Ticha's friend' in my head this whole time."

One second had passed. Then two. Then Qolla – unable to contain herself – had burst out laughing.

"Haha – The look – the look on your face! I'm sorry but – hahaha!"

She had not been able to stop laughing. And he had laughed at her for that. And with this laughter had come a realization: He wanted to spend the rest of his life laughing with her.

Now, Kuco stretched and said, "Nachi said that the kids have been up since dawn."

"Ugh," Qolla groaned into the pillow. "Kuacha really deserves a vacation." Kuacha, the children's nanny, worked harder than the rest of the staff combined.

"Hey," Kuzco said, nudging Qolla's leg with his foot. "You know this means they'll sleep through the palanquin ride to Pacha's."

Qolla's eyes sparkled. "I hadn't thought of that."

"We'll give Kuacha a paid vacation and a fruit basket," Kuzco said. They climbed out of bed and Kuzco picked up his tunic. "Oh, and by the way..."

"What?"

"Guess what I have to do before we leave?"

"Don't even mention the 'A' word."

"'Fraid so."

Qolla threw up her hands. "Are you kidding me? Did I call it, or _did_ I call it?"

"You called it, honey."

"You're going to blow them off, right?" Qolla asked, looking up from a small stain on her red dress.

"I would, but it's Hualpa," Kuzco explained. "So it really  _is_ important. But hey, I'm meeting them at breakfast. We'll still leave on time, no biggie."

Qolla shook her head. "You know, I see you like this, and I remember that you never used to care about the Empire."

"Well, I've changed, haven't I? Become an older, wiser, somehow-even-more-handsome version of myself," Kuzco reflected, slipping on his sandals.

Qolla began to whistle as she pulled a comb through her hair. Kuzco quickly picked up the tune: "An enigma and a mystery… in Mesoamerican history… the quintessence of perfection that is SHE!"

Kuzco spun around and held his arms out to Qolla. She laughed with glee while he sang, dancing around the bed: "She's the sovereign queen of the nation, she's the chic-est chick in creation – she's the cat with all the cream and ooh la la…!"

"How long," Qolla tried to cut him off, but Kuzco continued. "And her perfect world will spin – Around her every little whim – 'Cause her perfect world begins and ends with…" He held out his hands to her.

"With _moi_ ," Qolla finished, a huge grin on her face. "And _what's_ my name?"

"Qoll-aaaaaa! (She's the queeeeen of the world!) Qoll-aaaaaa! Hey look, hon, I'm my own backup singer!"

"Kuz-Kuzco–" Qolla tried to interrupt him, but she was laughing too hard to speak.

"Qoll-aaaaaa!" He took the beat up on the bedpost. "(Is she hip or _what_?!)"

"Kuzco, how long have you been working on that song?" Qolla demanded.

"Since last week," Kuzco admitted, and leaned forward for a parting kiss. "I'll see you in an hour!"

"I love you!" Qolla called after him, still laughing.

* * *

Hualpa was not at the breakfast meeting.

Larco, his advisor from the Northern Province explained: "I'm sorry your highness, Hualpa _was_ the one who called this meeting, but he had to rush off at the last second. I believe another urgent matter demanded his attention."

"Hard to see what could be more urgent than this," Kuzco said, drumming his fingers on the table. They had been discussing a series of new temples for the Northern capital.

"I'm glad your Highness understands," Larco said smoothly. "And I deeply apologize for the inconvenience."

Kuzco considered his least favorite advisor, remembering the good old days when he would have fired an advisor for just daring to call a surprise meeting. "You know," Kuzco said. "I think I know how you can make this whole thing up to me."

"Oh?"

"Picture this," Kuzco said, holding up his hands to frame Larco's blank expression. "The storeroom of every one of these new temples you're building for your priest pals doubles as a new granary."

Larco blinked. "Your highness–"

"Either a granary or a public housing project. Ooh, I _like_ that idea. It would take in the sickliest, stringiest, most unfortunate put-upon people in the whole country."

Larco frowned. "Your highness, that would be–"

"Inconvenient, I know. I mean hey, who wants to be tripping over peasants all day? But they probably wouldn't turn down the good karma. Waka, can we afford it?" Kuzco turned to address the royal accountant.

"It can be done, your highness."

"Spiffy," Kuzco said, taking a bite of a scone. "Be sure to fill Hualpa in on this _very_ important meeting, 'kay?"

Kuzco watched a vein in Larco's forehead throb as he replied: "Yes, your highness."

"Great." Kuzco popped the rest of his scone in his mouth and rose from the table. "Are we done here? Yes? Good? Good."

Larco and Waka rose to their feet to bow as Kuzco sauntered out the door. He had just rounded a corner on the way to the palanquin when–

"Daddydaddydaddydaddy!" A shrieking blur of four year old suddenly attached herself to Kuzco's leg.

"There she is!" Kuzco exclaimed, lifting his daughter off her feet. "What are you today?"

"I'm a monster!" Qita proclaimed.

"A _what_?"

"I'm gonna eat you, daddy!" Qita yelled, and gave the most adorable snarl he had ever seen. He laughed as she bit his arm.

"Hey! No biting," Kuzco warned.

"Daddy! Daddy, fear me!"

Kuzco tucked her onto his hip as she gnawed at his tunic. From down the hall, Kuacha approached with Pachi, Qita's older brother.

"Hey kiddo," Kuzco said, kneeling down and stretching an arm out. "You want a hug?"

Pachi nodded.

"Well get over here!"

Pachi grinned and ran to give Kuzco, who lifted him up and settled him on his other hip.

"What did you do today?" Kuzco asked Pachi.

"We saw the sun rise," Pachi said. "It was pretty."

"Why were you up so early?"

"'Cause I wanted to see the sun rise!"

Kuzco glanced at Kuacha, who mouthed, "They'll sleep on the trip." He nodded to her in thanks.

Qita rambled all the way to the front gate. Kuzco had to remind her several times to let her brother talk. Qolla was already waiting by the palanquin, speaking with Huachi and Tupi.

"–and make sure there's enough in the account for the extra shows," Qolla was saying. Tupi, the record keeper, was tying knots on strings as fast as he could. "And Huachi," Qolla continued. "Make sure the messengers leave at least a month in advance of the festivaal."

"Yes, Qolla," Huachi said with a small grin.

"Did I remind you about the architects coming to the conference?"

"Twice," Huachi said. "Have a good time, honey," she said, with a note of finality. She glanced at Kuzco and he grinned. Huachi, one of Kuzco's potential brides, was now Qolla's Chief Advisor, supporting her extended family with her generous palace salary.

"All right, all right," Qolla muttered, plucking her daughter out of Kuzco's arms.

"Are we going now?" Pachi asked, almost asleep on Kuzco's shoulder.

"We're going," Kuzco confirmed.

"Rawr," Qita said, her eyes already closed.

* * *

Qita and Pachi were asleep by the time the palanquin left the palace grounds.

"And then there were two," Qolla whispered.

They spoke in low voices as the palanquin hurried through the countryside. Llama herders bowed respectfully to the palanquin as it passed, born down the road on the backs of four palace guards.

By the time they reached the outskirts of the jungle, Qita and Pachi were awake again, playing on the floor.

"You can only marry the princess if you jump off the cliff," Pachi was explaining, holding one of Qita's little yarn dolls up high. "The cliff is magic and if you pass the test, you marry her but if you don't, you fall into the ocean."

"And if you pass, you fly back up," Qita added, embellishing the story. "And you fly around like this!"

"What did Hualpa want this morning?" Qolla asked Kuzco over the children's voices.

Kuzco rolled his eyes. "It wasn't Hualpa, it was Larco. Something about a series of new temples for his buddies. Larco probably bullied Hualpa into it."

Qolla shook her head. "Larco has been nothing but trouble since he replaced Quela," she said. "I–" she began, but was jolted as the palanquin touched ground.

"Are we here?" Qita squealed.

"Not unless Pacha moved to the middle of the jungle when I wasn't looking," Kuzco said, pushing the curtains on the window aside. They had stopped in a jungle clearing, just to the side of the main trail. One of the guards – Paoqi, Kuzco remembered – bowed to him as he emerged. The other guards were already retreating to some rocks nearby.

"We are more than halfway to the village, your highness, but the guards have not eaten since morning," he said. "With your highness' permission, we will rest here and arrive at the village by midday."

Kuzco nodded his assent and shut the door. Paoqi bowed and retreated.

"Do you want to go outside and run around?" Qolla asked the kids.

"Yes!"

"Yes!"

"Okay, okay," Qolla chided. "Put your sandals on."

Kuzco leaned back in his seat, watching Pachi carefully fasten his sandals and Qita stick her shoes on the wrong feet in her hurry.

"Anyway–" Qolla said, bending down to help Qita. "As I was saying – I know you don't like firing people, but letting Larco go might be the best thing to do."

Kuzco shrugged. "I'd rather keep him close," he said. "Hualpa has more access to him than I do. He usually helps me when the advisors are plotting something."

"Do you think Larco is plotting something?"

Kuzco rolled his eyes. "He's always plotting. Him and the rest of them," he said. "Advisors. Can't live with them, can't turn them into adorable mammals and banish them. Usually."

Qolla grinned. "Do you ever wonder what Yzma–"

"Daddy, look," Qita interrupted. "The palanquin is talking to me!"

Kuzco and Qolla peered down at Qita. She banged once on the floor with the palm of her hand, and the sound echoed from under the wood – a hard rap. Qita then banged twice. The palanquin returned two hard raps.

Qita was about to knock again, when Kuzco stilled her hand. The palanquin was silent.

Kuzco reached out and rapped out a rhythm: "Shave and a haircut–" There was a pause. Then, from under the wood, clear as day: "Two bits!"

Kuzco looked up at Qolla in alarm.

"Kids, get up here with me," Qolla ordered, and the kids scrambled to obey her. Qolla lifted her feet off the floor and Kuzco felt along the edge of the wood paneling. Finding a loose floorboard, he pulled it off.

A hand reached up from beneath the floorboards to grab his wrist.

Qolla yelled, the children shrieked, and the only thing that stopped Kuzco from joining them was the terrified expression on Hualpa's face. In the crammed storage space beneath the floorboards, he looked terrible, sweating and pained, like he had been crying. Hualpa raised his finger to his lips, and reached to remove another floorboard so he could squeeze up into the interior of the palanquin.

"Hualpa," Qolla breathed. The children were silent, seeming to realize the gravity of the situation. "What–"

"Shh," Hualpa whispered. "We don't have much time. Two of the palanquin bearers are assassins."

Kuzco surreptitiously moved the curtains aside to glance at the bearers. They were having lunch not more than twenty feet away.

"They're after me?" Kuzco whispered.

"They're after all of you," Hualpa whispered. "Even the children. It tried to tell you this morning but – it's Larco. He's in league with Emperor Tenochtitlan – with the Empire beyond the Northern border. They've infiltrated the palace… they've been planning this for months."

There were a thousand questions Kuzco wanted to ask. "Do you know which two guards are the assassins?"

"No," Hualpa whispered.

"We need to run," Qolla whispered. "We need to get away." Qita fidgeted under Qolla's tightening grasp.

"Here," Hualpa said, pulling a vial of potion out of his tunic. "I've been keeping this in my room… I tried to go to the Secret Lab this morning to get more but the invading army had already found it. I couldn't get through without them noticing. Here, take it!" He thrust the vial into Kuzco's hand.

Kuzco turned it over. The vial had a picture of a bird on it. The vial was also almost empty.

"I'm sorry," Hualpa said. He seemed close to tears again. "I failed you."

Fortified with a plan, Kuzco turned to Qolla, Qita and Pachi. "Kids," he began. "Listen. We're going to play a game." Qita's eyes lit up. Pachi seemed wary. "You're each going to take a little sip of this, and then you and mommy are going to fly to Pacha's house, and I'll race you on foot."

"Kuzco," Qolla warned.

"You first," Kuzco said, holding it out to Qita. "Just a little sip – that's enough." Pachi gasped as his little sister turned into a hawk.

"Daddy! Daddy look!" Qita squealed, and would have flown out the window if Qolla had not grabbed her.

"Okay, now you," Kuzco said, offering the vial to Pachi. One sip later, there were two hawks sitting awkwardly on the palanquin's bench beside Qolla.

"You drink first," Qolla whispered. "You drink before me."

In response, Kuzco silently held up the vial. There was barely a drop of potion left.

"You – oh no – oh Kuzco–"

"Take it," Kuzco said. "I'll figure something out."

Qolla gave him a look that was sat once heart-broken, at once furious. "You'd better," she said, and downed the last drop of potion.

"Kuzco," Hualpa hissed. Kuzco turned to see Hualpa watching the guards through the drapes.

There were only two guards left now. The other two had disappeared into the forest. Kuzco wondered if he should call out - warn the guard who was still loyal of the trap – but in the next second, one of the guards had drawn his knife, and - quick as a flash - thrust it into the guard still eating his lunch.

Kuzco ushered his family out the other window. "Go!"

They flew.

Kuzco and Hualpa peered through the curtains, watching the assassin settle down on a rock and calmly pick up his lunch again as the guard bled beside him.

"The other assassin is probably attacking the other guard in the forest," Hualpa whispered. "They waited until the loyal guards separated."

Kuzco nodded.

"Kuzco… I'm so sorry," Hualpa repeated.

"You didn't bring some kind of weapon, did you?" Kuzco asked. "I mean, besides the sneaky kind."

"No."

Kuzco continued to breathe. It seemed like all he could do. At least the kids were safe. That was all that mattered.

Hualpa took a deep breath. "But I have an idea," he said.

* * *

Tlacotan swallowed the last of his potatoes and licked his fingers clean. He glared at the forest where Mixcutan had lured Paoqi. What was taking him? Could it be that Paoqi was actually putting up a fight? He rolled his eyes at his fellow assassin's lack of skill.

A flash of red caught his eye. The Emperor's tunic, disappearing through the trees.

"Hey!" he yelled, quickly correcting himself: "Your highness, come back!" The Emperor did not listen.

Tlacotan leapt up, tearing after the Emperor as the smaller man broke into a desperate run. For a man who barely lifted a finger, the Emperor was fast! Finally, Tlacotan caught the man in a flying tackle.

"Emperor Tenochtitlan sends his regards," Tlacotan grunted, fighting to restrain the Emperor and draw his knife. With a flick of the blade, the Emperor twitched, and was still.

Tlacotan rolled off the man's body and sighed. The Emperor had undoubtedly run off to give his family time to escape. He was not looking forward to hunting them down. With a sigh, he flipped Kuzco's body over to examine his handiwork.

And he stared down. And he cursed.

* * *

Kuzco ran, and ran, and ran until his lungs were on fire and his throat was raw. Hualpa's clothes were too big for him. He stumbled through the jungle, branches swiping at his face and legs.

"No," he had told Hualpa in the palanquin. "Absolutely not."

"You don't have a choice – your highness," Hualpa had reminded him. "I swore to serve you. I swore to give my life for you, if necessary."

"Which is a _stupid_ rule that – Hualpa – this is wrong – I don't–" Kuzco had sputtered as watched Hualpa remove his tunic and hand it out to him.

"You still have allies," Hualpa had said, his voice steady. His resolve to die seemed to have calmed him. He had locked eyes with Kuzco. "Beat back the invaders," he had said. "Do it for me."

"Hualpa - you've been - I -"

"Would you just  _go_ already?!"

Now, Kuzco jumped nimbly from stone to stone across a river and scrambled up a steep hill. He did not know where he was going – just that he needed to put as much distance as possible between him and the assassin. He heard a splash from below him and whirled around to look. The bearer – the assassin – had found him. The man had slipped and fallen into the river, unable to keep his footing on the rocks.

Exhausted but desperate, Kuzco scrambled up another hill, through the trees, even faster than before. He looked around for a place to hide. There was nothing. His limbs were turning to jelly. He could hear the bearer gaining on him.

Finally, he burst out of the trees into a clearing – right at the edge of a cliff, looking over the river he had just crossed. Catching his breath, he turned to face the bearer. _Give up_ , a little voice said at the back of his head. It was the same voice that had whispered to him as he lay down in the rain, thirteen years ago. _No one will miss you… it' s just like Kronk said. No one will care that you're gone._

The assassin crashing through the trees brought him back to the present. The assassin was wet and angry, twirling his bloody knife in his hand. "I might have known a coward like you would send his manservant to die in his stead," the assassin spat.

"That's rich," Kuzco panted. "Coming–from a man sent to stab me in the back."

"Emperor Tenochtitlan knows that you have friends in high places," the assassin said, drawing his knife. "But they'll be dead soon, and you with them."

As he advanced, Kuzco raised his hand to point: "Behind you – there's an angry hawk diving at your face."

"Haha, very–AAARGH!" The assassin lashed out with his knife as Qolla's talons left bloody streaks across his eyes. With the last of his strength, Kuzco dove to the ground. All but blinded, the assassin stumbled, tripped over Kuzco's prone form, and teetered off the edge of the cliff. One more sharp peck from Qolla and he fell, grabbing Kuzco's ankle. Kuzco clutched for a tree branch, a root, anything, but it was too late. They went over the cliff together.

"Kuzco!" he heard Qolla shriek as they fell. Hitting the surface of the water felt like smashing into a stone wall. Kuzco gasped and inhaled, his body numb with pain, his vision fading.

* * *

Kuzco woke up vomiting water. Strong hands held his head and pulled the hair out of his eyes.

"Shh… easy," Pacha said, rubbing Kuzco's back. "Easy."

His cough subsiding, Kuzco looked up with blurry eyes. "What – how?" he asked, and coughed again.

"Qolla and Paoqi brought us," Pacha said, gently lifting Kuzco into a sitting position.

"Us? What do you–?"

Two more faces peered down at him.

"I jumped off a cliff after you!" Tipo exclaimed. He was tall – much taller than Kuzco – with wide eyes and a huge smile.

"And you just about gave me a heart attack," Pacha added, patting Kuzco's back as he coughed again.

"It was like a hundred million foot drop! But you were unconscious and I drove in and pulled you out! Oh, and Paoqi helped, a bit." The last remaining palace guard – Paoqi – hovered behind Tipo, biting his lip.

"Thanks," Kuzco croaked, and coughed again.

"So dad, does this mean I can join the army now?" Tipo asked.

"No," Pacha said.

"Qolla – the kids –?" Kuzco asked.

"Safe, Pacha said. "They're safe, don't worry. The kids are with Chicha and Yupi. Qolla left to fly to the palace."

"She did  _what_?!"

Pacha held up his hands. "I tried to stop her. We all tried. But she said that she had to warn them. She said she might be able to head off the invasion."

Kuzco sighed. "Smart of her," he admitted. "And Hualpa–" Kuzco paused. He had been about to say, 'And Hualpa was a genius.' But then he realized he had spoken in the past tense.

"I'm sorry," Pacha said. Kuzco did not look up.

"I… I found his body, your highness," Paoqi broke in. "The assassin – he followed me into the forest. He tried to kill me but I… I managed to get the knife away. By the time I got back to the palanquin, everyone was gone. I saw the other assassin's tracks and followed them to Hualpa's body. And I… I failed you, your highness," Paoqi said. "I–"

"Shut up," Kuzco snapped. Everyone froze. "You didn't  _fail_ me," Kuzco said. "All right?! No one _failed_ me." Kuzco made an effort to get to his feet. He faltered, and Pacha and Tipo reached to catch him with a hand under each of his arms. "No one _failed_ me," he repeated. "Come on, let's go, we're losing daylight here."

* * *

It was almost dark by the time they reached Pacha's village. Kuzco was all but dragging his feet by the time they made it up to the top of the hill. Chicha opened the door before Pacha could even knock.

"Oh thank Inti," Chicha exclaimed. "Get inside, quickly – Tipo, you're soaking wet!"

"I saved Kuzco's life, mom!"

"We've _all_ done that. Kuzco, I'm so glad you're all right," she said, pulling him into a hug. "You need fresh clothes… Yupi!"

"Sure, mom!" Yupi said, bounding upstairs. He was shorter than his brother, but just as energetic.

"Daddy!" Qita yelled, flying through the window. "We beat you!"

"You sure did, honey," Kuzco said with a forced grin, his throat still scratchy. "Come perch on daddy's shoulder." Qita landed on Kuzco's shoulder and nuzzled his head. Kuzco tried not to wince as her talons dug into his skin.

"You sound awful," Chicha muttered, feeling Kuzco's forehead like he was a child and not a thirty year-old man. "Sit down – here, sit down!"

"We can't stay here long," Kuzco said, allowing himself to be pressed into a chair and given a drink. "This will be one of the first places they'll look for me."

"Pachi's keeping an eye out for approaching soldiers," Chicha said. "It will take a while for news to reach the capital. You should  _rest_ – you look dead on your feet."

"Do what she says, Kuzco," Pacha advised.

"No, no, no, I don't need to rest, I need to think," Kuzco said. "I need to figure out–" He yawned. "–what to do…"

Paoqi cleared his throat. "Both of those bearers – the assassins – had only joined the palace ranks in the past few months. They were both from the Northern Province."

Kuzco remembered Hualpa's words from the palanquin. "Larco," he growled.

"Who?" Pacha asked.

"Another one of my evil, homicidal advisors," Kuzco muttered. "He's got some kind of I'll-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine deal with the Northern Empire."

"Does he want to be Emperor?" Pacha asked. "Is that why he's doing this?"

"Probably," Kuzco said. "Evil. Homicidal. Add 'power-hungry' and he's a triple threat."

"But I don't understand," Chicha said. "The Northern Empire has always left us alone in the past. Not many people even know about them. But now they send this infiltrator into the palace to try to kill you? Why would they do that? What's changed?"

* * *

Commander Zocoatl took a sip of his drink. The only sound in the Secret Lab was the impatient drum of his advisor's fingers on the table.

Finally, a solider appeared. "Your Excellency. The palace is secure."

"Finally," his advisor sighed.

"Excellent," Zocoatl said, placing his drink down. "I trust there was no great challenge?"

"Several of the members of staff remain unaccounted for," the soldier reported. "The royal record keeper, Chief Advisor to the Empress, the head housekeeper, and the royal nanny."

"Interesting," Zocoatl said. "Any word from Tlacotan and Mixcutan?"

"None yet, your Excellency."

"Thank you. Dismissed."

The soldier bowed and retreated.

"The missing servants shouldn't pose a problem," his advisor reasoned. "As long Kuzco and his family are dead, they will have no one to rally around."

"That is, if Kuzco's army sides with us and doesn't use this opportunity to seize power for itself," Zocoatl said, voicing the same concern he had voiced many times about the invasion plan.

"Need I remind you that Emperor Tenochtitlan trusts my judgment?" his advisor demanded, standing up to pace back and forth in front of Zocoatl's chair. "The plan is brilliant. Kuzco is a spoiled brat. His only friends are lying sycophants. Once his power is gone," his advisor swept a hand across the cold air. "There will be no one left on his side."

"I wonder," Zocoatl said, taking another sip. "If you've considered that while _you_ were certainly a lying sycophant ready to seize power from Kuzco at first opportunity, his other servants might be more loyal."

His advisor paused and turned to face Zocoatl. One of her eyelids twitched.

"Just a thought," Zocoatl said.

"Indeed," his advisor said, her voice ice cold. "Well, once we've taken control of the Empire and _I'm_ ensuring its tribute flows into Tenochtitlan's coffers year after year, _then_ we'll see whose judgment prevails." Yzma smiled.

* * *

Kuzco forced himself to eat. Chicha was used to cooking for an army, and plied them all with mashed potatoes and good cuts of meat. After dinner, Yupi entertained Pachi and Qita with a poem, Paoqi did martial arts exercises in the courtyard, and Chicha yelled at Tipo to "Stop bothering Paoqi and help your father with Misty!"

Kuzco sat on the fence outside the house. Qolla should have been back from the palace by now, he thought. His heart jumped at the sight of every bird against the sunset.

Heavy footsteps behind him signaled Pacha's arrival.

"So," Kuzco said, not looking away from the sky. "This isn't _quite_ the way I pictured this vacation.

The fence creaked as Pacha rested his weight on it, and reached an arm across Kuzco's shoulders. Kuzco let his head rest on Pacha's shoulder, and tried to take a deep breath.

"Well, we're always glad to see you," Pacha said. His voice reverberated through his chest. "No matter what the circumstances." Pacha squeezed Kuzco's shoulder. His arm across Kuzco's back was a heavy, warm weight. After a moment, Kuzco sat up, reaching up to squeeze Pacha's wrist. "Hey, I haven't asked about you, old man," Kuzco said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, we're fine," Pacha said. "Chicha is struggling a bit with Chaca away at the university. She relies a lot on Tipo and Yupi which – you saw…"

"Tipo seems about ready to fly the coup."

"More than ready," Pacha said. "He's been talking about joining the army for the past year which – you can imagine – we're just thrilled about."

Kuzco chuckled. "Well, if he ever wears you down, I'm friendly with the Commander in Chief. Do you remember Yupa?"

"Who?"

"She was one of my potential brides. I hadn't seen her for years, but she and Ticha are buddies. Ticha invited her to one of Qolla's concerts, so we met and now we're back in touch. Yupa actually controls the _entire_ army. She has all these brothers, and she asked me to give them all–"

Suddenly, Kuzco sat bolt upright.

"Kuzco?"

"I'm an idiot," Kuzco said. "An absolute, certified, 100% organic fool. Who was it that put me in charge of a country anyway?!"

"Are you thinking…" Pacha began, and Kuzco could see he had gotten the same idea.

"The army," Kuzco said. "Larco has the palace, but I have an army! Ha! _Boom_ baby!" Kuzco leapt off the fence and ran back in the house, Pacha close behind. They found Paoqi drinking a glass of water after his workout, fielding Tipo's questions.

"Paoqi!" Kuzco exclaimed, jolting Paoqi into attention.

"Yes, your highness!"

"I have a mission for you," Kuzco said. "The army's Commander in Chief lives in the Southern village. She'll be able to get in touch with the provincial regiments. I need you to run as fast as you can, tell her I'm still alive, and get her to marshal enough troops to retake the palace. Can you make it?"

"Yes, your highness," Paoqi said. "And if not, I will die trying."

Kuzco grabbed the collar of Paoqi's tunic. "Paoqi," he said. "Don't die. That's an order."

"Y-yes your highness." He practically ran out the door, mumbling something about 'the Emperor' and 'my name.'

"I want a mission," Qita yawned from her perch on top of a door.

"Go back to sleep," Kuzco said, stroking Qita's neck feathers until she had tucked her head under her wing.

* * *

Kuzco awoke the next morning to the sound of pounding on the door. He heard Tipo shifting in the bottom bunk. From the other side of the room, Chicha sat up and Pacha raised his head.

"What's that?" Yupi asked, next to Tipo.

"I'll see who it is," Pachi whispered. He and Qita were perched on the bed frame.

"Be careful," Kuzco warned. Pachi hopped to the open window and cautiously peered out.

"Kuacha!" he yelled with delight, and disappeared out the window. In a flash, Qita had followed him.

"Mommy!" they heard Qita squeal. "Mommy, we missed you!"

Kuzco ran downstairs and opened the door. Nachi, Huachi, Kuacha and Tupi were on the doorstep, watching Qolla and the children flutter around the roof.

"Oof!" Kuzco exclaimed as Huachi threw her arms around him.

"I'm so glad you're not dead!" she said, before pulling back abruptly. "I'm so sorry, I–oof!" Kuacha wrapped Huachi and Kuzco in her arms and lifted them both clear off the ground with a sob of delight.

By the time they had all managed to stumble into the house, Pacha and Chicha had arrived downstairs. Qolla flapped over to perch on Kuzco's shoulder as they gathered in the main room. Only Pachi, who had offered to keep watch, was missing.

Tupi narrated: "It happened a few hours after you had left. The Northern soldiers were already in the palace. They're led by Commander Zocoatl. He's one of Emperor Tenochtitlan's most respected war leaders."

"How did they get inside the palace?" Kuzco demanded. "There's a moat and traps and guards and everything."

"They came up through Yzma's Secret Lab," Qolla said. "Huachi saw them tunneling up."

"How did they know about the Secret Lab?" Chicha asked. "I mean it's not a _secret_ secret lab, at the same time, I wouldn't think the Northern Empire would know about it."

"There was a woman there, giving directions," Huachi said quietly.

They turned to look at her. "You didn't tell me that," Qolla said.

"Sorry, your highness," Huachi said. "I didn't hear her name – they just called her 'Your Excellency.' She was old and thin… her face was just… it was really just–"

"Whatever you do," Kuzco began. "Don't say–"

"–scary beyond all reason."

Kuzco and Pacha exchanged a look.

"What?" Yupi asked, looking back and forth between them.

* * *

"I'll kill her."

"Kuzco-" Chicha began.

"I'll kill her in the most inane, convoluted, harebrained, _painful_ way I can think of!"

"Honey–" said Qolla.

"What, was she just biding her _time_ all these years?!" Kuzco demanded, pacing back and forth. "Does she have nothing _better_ to do than to try and kill me?! Again?!"

"Kuzco–" Pacha started.

"Why doesn't she just get herself a _hobby_?! You know-knitting! Stamp collecting! A pastime that doesn't involve my _death_?!"

"Kuzco-"

"Oh no! This is the _last_ straw! She doesn't have _any_ idea who she's dealing with!"

"Kuzco–"

"It's not even me!  _I_ don't matter! But I swear, if she so much as _touches_ the kids, I will turn her into a flea and then put that flea into a box and then put that box inside of another box and then THROW THAT BOX INTO A VOLCANO!"

"Kuzco!" Kuzco became aware that Pacha was holding him in place. Qita was watching him with wide eyes. She had never seen him angry before.

"Hey hon," Kuzco said, approaching her. "I'm sorry. Don't be scared – I'm just upset. Do you forgive me for yelling?"

"It's fine as long as you don't yell at me," she said sagely.

"By now, they probably realized that the assassination attempt failed," Qolla said. "That seemed to be a big part of their plan."

"They're probably worried about the army," Chica said. "I would be, if I was Yzma."

With a flap of wings, Pachi appeared in the window. "They're here! They're here! The army's here!"

"Which army? Our army, or their army?" Pacha asked.

" _Their_ army," Pachi said, fluttering over to perch on Kuzco's shoulder. "The soldiers all look weird. And the woman leading them was kind of scary. She looks kind of like you might say she was scary beyond all reason."

Kuzco felt blood pounding in his ears. In his mind's eye, he saw the look of resignation in Hualpa's eyes. 'I swore to give my life for you, if necessary,' he had said.

He looked around the room. There were the servants, covered in dirt and twigs, exhausted from running through the jungle all night. Then there was his family, in the bodies of hawks but still somehow looking like themselves. And then there was Pacha and Chicha, so much older than they used to be. Pacha walked with a hunch now and Chicha had wrinkles at the corner of her eyes. Tipo was barely older than Kuzco had been when they had first met.

Kuzco glanced towards the door.

"Kuzco," Qolla warned.

Kuzco looked at her and smiled.

"Kuzco, no," Qolla said.

"You know me too well, hon."

"What is it?" Chicha asked, looking from Kuzco to Qolla.

"I'm not going to let anyone else give their lives for me," Kuzco said.

"Don't even think about it," Qolla told Kuzco fiercely. "You can't trust them!"

"I don't have a choice," Kuzco said. 

"Then I'm coming with you," Qolla said.

"Qolla–"

"I'm not leaving you behind again," Qolla said, and after a long pause, Kuzco nodded.

He turned to Pachi and Qita, who did not know what was going on – or maybe they did? He leaned down to kiss them both on their heads, between their eyes.

"You're going to stay with Pacha and Chicha for a while, okay?" he said.

"Are you leaving?" Qita asked. Pachi looked down, not meeting his eyes.

"Pachi," Kuzco said, reaching up to hold him steady. "You are the smartest little boy I know. And I know you are going to grow up and think amazing thoughts that will change the way people think one day."

He turned to Qita. "Qita," he said. "You are the brightest little ray of sunshine to everyone who knows you. I just _know_ that you are going to change the world for the better."

Kuzco turned to Pacha, not trusting himself to speak. Pacha was watching Kuzco with an expression that was half sadness, half terrible pride. He reached up to cup Kuzco's face in his hands, like a father seeing his grown child for the first time. Without a word, he pulled Kuzco into a tight hug. Kuzco buried his face in Pacha's chest, breathing in the comforting scent of hay, wool, and wood smoke, the scent that had come to mean _home_ to him.

After a long moment, they broke apart, and with a flap of wings, Qolla settled on Kuzco's shoulder. Chicha hugged them both, too tearful to speak. As they passed the servants, all of them, one after the other, sunk to one knee and one by one bowed their heads.

"Your highness."

"Your highness."

"Your highness."

Their trust strengthened him more than anything. Without a second thought, Kuzco lifted the latch and walked outside.

* * *

Zocoatl had watched Yzma tear off her wig in frustration when they had failed to find Kuzco's body at the abandoned palanquin.

"Of all the stupid, brain-dead, worthless – Wait!" She had spun around. "Kuzco's peasant friend! Yes – that's where he would go!"

"For such a spoiled, selfish brat," Zocoatl had pointed out. "Emperor Kuzco seems to have a great many friends." But Yzma was not listening.

Now, they stood in front of the Emperor, who was standing in front of the peasant's house like a guard. He was dressed in peasant's clothes, and a hawk sat on one of his shoulders.

"That's his wife or his servant on his shoulder," Yzma hissed in Zocoatl's ear. "I'd bet my _life_."

"Good to know," Zocoatl said, and left Yzma to wonder what he had meant. He motioned for the soldiers to stay back and approached the Emperor alone. Upon closer inspection, Emperor Kuzco looked like he had been to the underworld and back.

"So," the Emperor said, his voice dripping with condescension. "I hear I have you to thank for this… charming little get-together, do I?"

Zocoatl bowed his head slightly. "Commander Zocoatl, your highness. It's a pleasure."

"The pleasure's all mine," Kuzco said. "And by pleasure, I mean complete and utter contempt."

Zocoatl frowned. "It's nothing personal," he said. "I'm only following orders. No less than what you would expect of your own servants."

"Funny, I've never ordered my servants to kill two small children," Kuzco said. "Although – funny story – I'm not sure Tenochtitlan would have done it without the advice of Revengasaurus-Rex back there." He gave Yzma a little wave. "Tell me something. Is she going to get the blame when this little operation goes belly up, or are you?"

Zocoatl found his interest piquing. "You have a proposition for me," he realized.

"I do," Kuzco said. "I hear your plan was to assassinate me and my family and start from scratch. Well – as you can see," he said, spreading his hands. "I'm still living my life to the fullest. And my army will take back the empire whether I'm dead or not. If you're as good as people say, you should have realized by now that my friends are more loyal to me than Yzma ever was."

"So what do you propose?"

"I'll go with you willingly," Kuzco said. "I'll call off the army. You can have tribute from my Empire if that's what you want, and you can kill me if you need to. But if you so much as _touch_ my wife, or children, or friends, or servants, then my troops will expel you faster than you can say Quetzalcoatl."

Zocoatl resisted the urge to frown. He hated being right all the time. "Let me – confer – with my advisor."

"Try not to look directly into her wrinkles," Kuzco advised. "I hear you can go blind that way."

Zocoatl managed to turn his back to the Emperor before his mouth twisted into a smile.

* * *

"He's bluffing!" Yzma whispered as Zocoatl approached her. "He doesn't have that kind of power or that kind of charisma – he's lying to you to save his family! In twenty years the son will destroy you and take back the Empire!"

"Your opinion is noted," Zocoatl said. "But I think I'll take him up on his offer."

He watched a vein twitch in Yzma's forehead.

"Need I remind you that Emperor Tenochtitlan will be _displeased_ if–"

"Tenochtitlan will be displeased if we come back from this expedition with nothing to show for it," Zocoatl said. "But he will be even _more_ displeased if we lose a war."

"Now you listen to me," Yzma spat. "I know full well that you never trusted me and you think this whole trip was a waste of time. But Tenochtitlan trusts my judgment and if you drop this–"

"Tenochtitlan trusts your judgment to a point," Zocoatl said. "But _our_ Emperor is not a self-centered eighteen year old boy. I happened to speak with the Emperor before we left, and he told me that if any of your 'inside information' should prove less than stellar, that I should call off the invasion and return home at once. And from what I can see, your information is dead wrong. Emperor Kuzco is not – as you assured us – a selfish, spoiled brat. Perhaps he was, but he has obviously changed. No selfish ruler would sacrifice his life for those of his servants or friends. And if you're wrong about that, who knows what else you're wrong about," Zocoatl finished.

Yzma listened to the proclamation in silence. Besides turning a very peculiar shade of fuchsia, there was no outward change in her expression. Finally, she opened her mouth, and chose her words very carefully: "Of course, we will do what you think is best."

"Cheer up," Zocoatl told her. "He's offered us his life. It would be a shame not to take it. At least you'll have accomplished that."

Yzma's eyebrow twitched.

Zocoatl motioned two soldiers forward. As they approached, he saw Kuzco whispering with the hawk on his shoulder, who finally took flight as the soldiers stepped forward to bind the Emperor's hands behind his back.

"We'll take your deal," Zocoatl said. "Your life in exchange for the people of your kingdom, including your friends and family. They will not be harmed, so long as you call off the army."

"Already done," Kuzco said.

* * *

They forced him to walk, presumably so that the peasants would see his disgrace with their own eyes. Kuzco could see Qolla following him all the way back to the palace. She disappeared from sight only when they marched him off the street and into the palace dungeon.

From what Kuzco could gather, they were planning to bring him back to the Northern Empire, to kill him there.

So he had some time at least.

He drifted off on the surprisingly comfortable hay bale. The next thing he knew, he was awoken by something running over his leg. "Gah!" he yelled, and fell to the floor.

"Oops! Sorry, Kuzco!" a voice said.

Kuzco looked down to see a little brown mouse.

"Hi!" said the mouse.

"Uh… hi," Kuzco replied. He wondered when it had become normal for animals to talk to him.

"Check it out! I'm a mouse!" the mouse said.

"I can see that," said Kuzco. "…Tipo, is that you?"

"Yup! I'm on a super-secret mission! I need to bring you this!" Mouse-Tipo nudged a vial of potion out from under the hay. Kuzco picked it up and saw a picture of a mouse on the bottle. His heart sank.

"Tipo," Kuzco said. "I can't."

"Yes you can! You have to – wait, do you not know?"

"Know? Know what? Tipo, I've been in here all day."

"Oh. Right. Well, we followed you and met up with Yupa who brought the army and then Kronk showed us a Secret- _Secret_ passage into Yzma's lab so we tunneled in and stole some potion but then Yzma came in and we listened and it turns out that Yzma and Larco double crossed Zocoatl and convinced the _entire_ invading army to join them so now they're attacking the palace and if we don't get you out they're going to kill you," Tipo finished.

Kuzco blinked. "Did you say Kronk is here?" he asked.

"Of course he is," TIpo said. "Everyone else got a cameo in this chapter."

From outside the dungeon, they heard the door bang against a stone wall. The guards were coming back.

"Quick – drink it drink it drink it!" Tipo whispered. Kuzco downed the potion and they disappeared into the bale of hay. Tipo led him through a crack in the stone to the exterior of the dungeon wall. They scampered down the rock face and paused when they reached the ledge. Kuzco could see no way down.

"Now what?" Kuzco asked.

Tipo pointed up, and when Kuzco turned to look, a hawk's talons filled his vision, bearing down on him.

"Aaaaaiiii!" Kuzco screamed as they were snatched up in the hawk's talons.

"Wow," Qolla said as they soared away from the dungeon's wall. "That was the bravest high pitched screech I've ever heard."

"Thanks. Thanks honey. I… I would prefer that you never mention that to anyone."

"I make no promises," Qolla said.

* * *

In the topmost tower of the palace, one of Yzma's servants handed her a cup of coffee and retreated to the corner of the room. Yzma took a sip and felt the taste dance across her tongue. "Ah," she sighed. "It is just _lovely_ to be home, if I do say so myself."

She did not expect anyone to reply. She had long since dispensed with the habit of keeping associates. All those years watching and waiting and easing her way into Tenochtitlan's good graces… Treated like a common servant… Yet it had _still_ not been enough to win the emperor's trust! She seethed as she stirred her coffee. No matter. With Kuzco's family dead and the power of the army behind her, the empire would finally be hers. And this time, there would be no bumbling idiot to mess it up at the last second.

 _Hey there Yzma,_ a little voice said. It sounded suspiciously like a certain bumbling idiot. _I'm with you on the whole 'take over the Empire' thing… but don't you think killing those kids is a little… much?_

 _I'm just doing what has to be done,_ Yzma thought viciously. _If I had finished Kuzco off when he was a child, I would be ruling the Empire by now!_

_Well yeah but…_

_But nothing!_

The voice came again, even quieter than before: _Yzma – You've changed._

"Your highness," a servant bowed from the doorway, interrupting her recollections. "The Commander in Chief of the Royal Army has arrived."

"Show her in," Yzma said, stirring her coffee.

The Commander-in-Chief appeared in the doorway, dressed in a radiant silk robe. Under her expertly applied makeup, her skin was as smooth as polished marble.

"Madame," Yzma said, rising from her seat. "It is a pleasure to finally make your acquaintance."

"Please," the Commander said, waving Yzma's words aside with a graceful flip of her hand. "Call me Yupa."

"Yupa, dear, please have a seat. Would you like some tea? Coffee? Lemonade?"

"No, thank you, your highness," Yupa said politely, taking her seat. "Although thank you very much for offering."

"Beauty _and_ manners," Yzma said. "You remind me of myself at your age."

"Oh? How so?" Yupa asked, folding her hands in her lap.

"Refined… stylish… clever…"

"Ambitious?" Yupa asked.

"That too," Yzma said, with a sly grin. "Shall we get down to it?"

"Let's," Yupa said, brushing a speck of dust off her dress. "But first, could you…?" She gestured to the servants.

Yzma snapped her fingers at them and motioned to the door.

Yupa waited until the servants had departed before she began. "Kuzco has escaped from your dungeon," she said.

Yzma's eye twitched. "What?"

"He arrived at our camp about an hour ago," Yupa said, studying her nails. "He asked me to marshal the full strength of the Royal Army and take back the palace from the invaders."

"Well then," Yzma said. "I suppose I should be flattered that you came to hear my proposal."

"Ahem," Yupa said. "Your what?"

"My proposal, my dear," Yzma said. "After all, I have no doubt that Kuzco offered you all _manner_ of concessions in exchange for your help. But you chose to come to me instead. You must think that _I_ can offer you something that Kuzco cannot. The only question is: What might that be?"

Yupa considered a moment. "May I ask you something?" she finally said.

"Anything, my dear."

"Why did your previous coup fail?" Yupa asked. "I remember it, thirteen years ago. You ruled for two days and then you were banished. What went wrong?"

"I made the mistake of collaborating with an incompetent fool," Yzma growled. "I thought his stupidity would ensure his loyalty. I should have chosen someone smarter – more ambitious, but more capable. Keep your enemies, close as they say."

Yupa nodded, considering Yzma's words. "You ask me what I want that Kuzco can't give me," she said. "I'll tell you: The throne."

Yzma paused, mid-sip. "I beg your pardon?"

"You heard me," Yupa said, crossing her legs. "You've laid all your cards on the table. Let me do the same. I was one of Kuzco's potential brides. If he had chosen me, I would be running this kingdom by now."

"The kingdom as well as the army?"

"Exactly," Yupa said. "Kuzco chose another woman, but he's been very generous with me. He allowed me to gain control of the army because he trusts me." She took a deep breath. "But as you said – I'm ambitious. I want more."

"I see," Yzma said. She began drumming her fingers on the table.

"I take it that's not what you wanted to hear," Yupa said with a cool smile. "But I'll tell you what. We can compromise. You won't have to name me Empress right away. Instead, you could name me your successor."

"So you can kill me and inherit the kingdom?"

"Well… I could do that, but it might just be less confrontational to let you… expire," Yupa said sweetly. "After all… you're not a young woman anymore."

Yzma set her cup of coffee down with a clatter. "All right, you listen here sister," she spat. "I've been lying, cheating, and backstabbing my way to the top since before you were a twinkle in your father's eye. You might have the upper hand now, but don't think for a second that you can dictate the terms of our arrangement."

"I think that's exactly what I can do," Yupa said, rising from the table and moving to the window. "If you won't give me what I want, you're no different than Kuzco. At this point, it's only a question of who I'd rather deal with – Kuzco or you," Yupa said. She pulled a vial out of the folds of her dress. "And frankly, Kuzco is easier on the eyes," she said and uncorked the vial. "If you don't want to be caught in the middle when my army takes the palace back from your rabble," Yupa said. "I suggest you run." With one gesture, she swallowed the potion, and an eagle flew from the window.

"That's the signal!" she heard someone yell from outside. Yzma ran to the window and saw soldiers converging on the palace gate.

"Great," Yzma muttered.

The doors slammed open. "Your highness, the–"

"I'm aware," Yzma snapped. "Don't worry. It's time for Plan C."

* * *

Kuzco saw Yupa circle around the palace, examining the progress of the army, before fluttering down into the tent.

"Your Human Potion, madam?" Kuzco offered with a flourish.

"Thank you," Yupa said, taking it with her talons. She somehow managed to make an eagle drinking look graceful.

"Does this mean dad is still Emperor?" Pachi asked. He and Qita – human again – sat on the ground at Qolla's feet, as Qolla watched her husband's once-potential bride with narrowed eyes.

"Once the army takes the palace back, your dad will be the Emperor, yes," Yupa affirmed.

"That's good," Qita said, as though they had been deciding the main course for dinner and not the fate of the nation.

"I'd ask how I can make it up to you," Kuzco said to Yupa. "But I'm sure you'll let me know."

"I'm composing a wish list," Yupa said, turning to go.

"Yupa," Kuzco said, and Yupa turned back. "Thank you," Kuzco said. "I owe you."

Yupa's gaze fell to the ground. She gave a little bow. "Your highness," she said, and turned to Qolla. "Your highness," she repeated, and swept out of the tent.

Qolla approached Kuzco, stepping over Qita's dolls. "How did you know Yupa would refuse Yzma's offer?" Qolla asked him.

"Because Yzma is awful," Kuzco said. "And she's just gotten even more awful in the last thirteen years. Yupa just needed to see for herself."

Just as Yzma guessed, Kuzco had met with Yupa after his escape... and made her an offer.

"If you help me get rid of the invaders, I'll give you anything you want," Kuzco had said. "Within reason."

"And what does 'within reason' mean to you?"

"It means I'll let you have as much power as you want. More than I should really _let_ you have... _definitely_ more than Yzma would ever let you have if you support her."

Yupa's eyes had narrowed. "I think I'll go talk to her. Let her make me her own offer."

"Okay."

"Okay? What, you're not worried?"

"You won't like her offer," Kuzco had said. "She won't let you be Empress. Ever."

Yupa had continued to glare.

"She'll offer you everything else. But even if you take _her_ everything over  _my_ everything, it would be a nightmare for you – always looking over your shoulder, waiting for her to stab you in the back." Kuzco had reached across the table to take Yupa's hand. "I'll give you everything Yzma will," Kuzco had said. "And I'll do it not just because I want your help, but because I'm trying to make up for not giving you the one thing I know you want."

Yupa had stared at him, carefully keeping her expression blank. But she could not quite steady her voice when she said, "I'm - I'm going to see what she has to say."

Qolla noticed Kuzco's faraway look and squeezed his hand.

"Qolla," Kuzco asked, too quietly for the children to hear. "Do you regret marrying me?"

"What?"

"If you hadn't married me, you would have been able to go to the university and learn poetry, and plan concerts, and not have to worry about near-death experiences, or assassination attempts, or–"

"Hey. Don't ever speak that way again," Qolla hissed, grabbing Kuzco's chin and forcing him to look her in the eye. "Don't ever ask me why I stay or ask Pacha why he's your friend or ask why Hualpa gave his life for you. Don't ever say the words 'I don't matter' ever again," Qolla said.

"Yes ma'am," Kuzco said, closing his eyes to receive a kiss.

The tent flap opened.

"Hey Kuzc–oh, uh… sorry guys."

"That's all right," Kuzco said. "What's up, Kronk?"

"Well, uh, funny story," Kronk said. "Turns out the army – the other army – the guys who aren't us – they aren't putting up much of a fight because they're not getting any orders because Yzma is kinda sorta… gone."

"Gone?"

"What do you mean gone?" Qolla asked.

"It's like she _used_ to be there, but–"

"Are all the secret passages guarded?" Kuzco asked.

"Sure are."

Kuzco and Qolla shared a glance. "She couldn't have left the palace," Qolla said.

"Tell the commanders to go floor by floor and search for _anything_ weird or out of place," said Kuzco. "She's not getting away this time."

"Sure thing there, Kuzco," said Kronk. "Oh and… you two look great together. _Mazel tov_ , you guys!"

* * *

By the end of the day, the palace was retaken, Larco was locked in the dungeon, the invading army had been rounded up, and Zocoatl had retaken command.

Kuzco dictated a polite, yet stern message to Emperor Tenochtitlan and sent Zocoatl on his way.

Yzma was still nowhere to be found.

Kuzco sat with Pacha in the palace courtyard. Bellow them, the city was celebrating a feast in Hualpa's honor. Qolla and Chicha were chatting behind them while Tipo regaled Yupi and Chaca with his brief stint in the army earlier that afternoon. Kronk had convinced Qita and Pachi to jump rope.

Kuzco started as Pacha nudged his shoulder.

"You okay?" Pacha asked.

"Yeah. Fine," Kuzco said.

Pacha gave him a look.

"What? I'm as fine as I _can_ be." He took a drink. Pacha waited for him to continue. "You could have warned me," Kuzco said.

"About what?"

"About friends dying. I went and learned how to make friends without remembering that they'd die someday. I might not have bothered. So many _feelings_."

Kuzco felt Pacha squeeze his fingers, almost painfully.

"I'm not going anywhere. Not for a long time," Pacha said. Kuzco nodded, not meeting his eyes.

"And," Pacha continued. "I plan on raising our quota of adventures."

"Our _what_?"

"Our adventures – you know – someone chases you around the jungle, we jump over waterfalls, maybe there are jaguars involved? One adventure every year ought to cut it."

"This mean I should get used to jumping off cliffs, doesn't it?"

"Oh, you better believe it."

"Your highness," a voice said from behind them. It was Paoqi.

"Kuzco," Kuzco corrected.

Paoqi hesitated. He shifted in his new advisor's uniform. "Kuzco," he said. "My apologies. But this cannot wait–"

"If I have one more advisor tell me something 'can't wait–'"

"It's Yzma," Paoqi said.

"What!?"

Paoqi held out a box. "We questioned Larco. He told us Yzma's escape plan."

They examined the box in Paoqi's hands. It was a package addressed to the Northern Empire. They watched as Paoqi opened the box to reveal… another box. And when he opened that…

They stared down.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Kuzco asked finally.

"Wondering what would happen if someone gave some human potion to that flea?" Pacha said.

"Great minds, my friend, great minds."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I put up Chapter 1, I initially thought about inviting readers to guess which one of the brides Kuzco would marry. Ticha? Manca? Yupa? But then I realized that some readers might figure it out, and I wanted it to be a surprise.
> 
> The song Kuzco sings at the beginning was actually written for Yzma in the original movie. You can hear it in 'The Sweatbox' documentary, the next time someone illegally uploads it.
> 
> Tenochtitlan is the name of one of the main cities in the Aztec Empire, or Triple Alliance (1428-1521). I figured since Disney named their fake emperor after the Incan capital city, I could name my fake emperor after the Aztec capital city. Although the two empires did overlap historically, to my knowledge they never interacted. But the Incas' actual neighbors where smaller and less well known, so I took some creative license. Also, the Incas had no standing army. When they needed one, they just rounded up some peasants. But again – creative license!
> 
> The third chapter will probably be shorter than this. I'd like less plot, more of Pacha's POV. But you never know what my head will do.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You know something my mom once told me?” said Pacha. “She said dying is a part of life. She said if we lived forever without dying, then nothing we did would have any meaning.”
> 
> “Did you ever tell your mom she’s terrible at cheering people up?” Kuzco muttered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Get your tissues ready.

Pacha knew he was dreaming because he felt young again. He strode up the hill on a warm summer's day, taking giant steps. Kuzco was running to catch up.

“You know,” Kuzco panted. “I’m saying this as a friend. I think you might have an unhealthy fixation with hilltops.”

“You think so?” Pacha looked back at Kuzco. The younger man was eighteen again, thinner, unwrinkled, and energetic.

“Oh yeah,” Kuzco panted. “And I don’t want you... living in pain your whole life.”

“You know, I feel okay. How are _you_ doing back there?”

“Oh, I’m good – I’m great. Yeah, never better.”

“You should get in better shape if you want to keep up with Manca.”

Kuzco missed a step. “Manca? I don’t know any Manca. Who is this Manca you speak of? And how did you know I’m seeing her?”

“Oh, just a hunch.”

"Chicha told you?"

"Yep."

"After I swore her to secrecy?"

"She had her fingers crossed."

Kuzco grumbled as Pacha surveyed the clearing. The llama herd was grazing on the far side of the field.

“What, do they just loaf around here all day?” Kuzco asked when he saw the llamas.

“Mostly. Sometimes we take them out for a night on the town. Nothing too fancy, but they appreciate the change of pace.”

“Very funny, old man.”

They walked across the clearing and settled next to each other on the grass. It was still damp from the night before. Kuzco yawned.

“Tired?” Pacha asked.

“Oh no. I'm on the edge of my seat.” He yawned again.

Pacha chuckled. “Here,” he said, shifting around so that they sat with their backs to each other.

“I used to sleep like this up here with my dad,” Pacha mused. “He would get me up early, and I’d be half asleep.”

“Mm,” Kuzco replied, slouching against Pacha’s back.

“’Course, you’re not supposed to sleep up here, but dad would always let me nod off. Granddad used to pinch me to keep me awake. He wasn't very nice.”

“Mm,” Kuzco said.

“You know, I was there when he passed away,” Pacha mused. “Granddad. He died in his bed, with all of us around him. It was… sad, but it was also _right_. It’s hard to explain it. When I go, that’s what I want.”

Pacha could hear Kuzco’s deep, sleeping breaths. He shook his head and smiled.

“Pacha,” Chicha said.

Pacha started. How had she managed to sneak up on them?

“Pacha,” Chicha repeated, and Pacha opened his eyes. Chicha was standing over his bed.

“Hi honey,” Pacha said.

“Good morning,” Chicha replied, and bent down for a kiss. She kissed his forehead, and the bones under each of his eyes.

“Are the kids downstairs?” Pacha asked.

Chicha’s eyes clouded. “No. Tipo’s stationed in the South Village and Chaca’s at university.”

Pacha frowned.

"Honey?"

“Can you get them?” Pacha asked. “Get everyone together?”

Chicha was quiet for a moment. Then she nodded in understanding. “All right,” she said.

Pacha closed his eyes and sighed, still and content.

* * *

 

Qita thrust out her jaw like an angry toddler. She sat with her back straight, one arm on each of the armrests of the Emperor's throne, listening to two peasants argue.

“If I don’t use that land, I won’t have enough to make the quota this year,” the first peasant said.

“That’s not my fault,” said the second peasant. “He shouldn't have given it to me if he needed it.”

“He took advantage of me,” the first peasant protested. “He convinced me to loan him the land.”

Kuzco would have wrapped this up with a snappy one-liner at that point. But he stayed silent, watching Qita bite her lip and think.

“You! Why did you give him the land in the first place?” Qita asked Peasant One.

“He – he told me that he could get better use out of it. He has six children, I only have two. He would work the land for me and give me my share of the crops”

“Is this true?” Qita asked Peasant Two.

“No! He misunderstood me.”

“You–” Peasant One began to protest.

“Quiet!” Qita snapped. The peasants lowered their eyes and bowed.

Qita addressed Peasant Two: “I don’t know why you wanted his land. But you’ll give it back to him at the end of the growing season. If your family wants to work the land you can work for him.” Qita gestured to Peasant One.

Kuzco could tell that the peasants wanted to protest, but they held their tongues.

“As for you,” Qita addressed Peasant One: “Your quota is lifted for the season. Next season, you’ll have your land back and some new farmhands.”

The peasants bowed. “Yes, your highness.”

Qita stole a glance at Kuzco. He nodded.

“That’s all for today,” Qita said, and the peasants bowed and withdrew. Kuzco nodded at the servants, and they withdrew as well.

When they were alone, Qita whirled around to face her father. “How was that?” she asked. “Huh? What’d you think?”

Kuzco was impressed, in spite of himself. “You did good,” he said, and Qita beamed.

“I thought that other couple – you know, the one with the weird accents?” Qita said. “I thought they were lying, but I just wanted to be on the safe side, you know? Oh – do you think that peasant from the South Village seemed kinda crazy? Because he seemed kinda crazy to me. And–”

“Honey – honey – I’m going to tell you a little secret. All right? The _one_ thing you have to remember.”

“What?” Qita was already grinning, anticipating one of her father’s jokes.

“Don’t think too much.” Kuzco leaned down to kiss Qita’s forehead. “Go wash up for dinner.”

“’Kay!” Qita said, bounding down the steps to her rooms.

Kuzco waited until she had gone, then took his place on the throne. He patted the backrest. “We’ve had some times,” Kuzco said. “I’m gonna miss you Throney.”

“Ahem,” a voice said. Kuzco turned his head to see Qolla. She had been standing behind the platform curtain.

“Oh, sorry, didn’t see you there,” Kuzco said, rubbing the throne’s armrest. “Me and Throney were just having… a little moment.”

“Trying to make me jealous of a piece of furniture?”

“Is it working?”

Qolla crossed the platform and tipped herself onto the throne next to her husband.

“She did good,” Kuzco pointed out.

“She asks a lot of questions,” Qolla agreed. “It shows she’s taking it seriously. Being thoughtful.”

“She gets that from you.”

“Obviously,” Qolla said. “Speaking of which – when was the last time you spoke to your son?”

Kuzco narrowed his eyes. “It’s not like I’m _avoiding_ him.”

“Could have fooled me,” Qolla said. “Why don’t you go get him for dinner?”

“Yes, _mom_ ,” Kuzco muttered.

Kuzco trudged through the hallways towards Pachi’s room. Suddenly, a hand smelling like bacon grease descended on his back.

“Hey there Kuzco!” said Kronk with a huge grin. “How’s everything around the old stompin’ grounds?”

“Hey, Kronk,” Kuzco said, flexing his shoulders. “Things are pretty solid ‘round here… are you here visiting her?”

“Oh yeah, I brought her some chili cheese fries today – covered in gravy. It really seemed to brighten her day. Next time I visit, I’m going to bring her some curtains. I think it’ll really give the dungeon a nice rustic look.”

“Right. Have fun with that.”

“Hey Kuzco – you know, I think if you visited her, you’d really get a lot out of it. You’ve both really been through so much together. Good friends can always cheer each other up.”

“Wow. That’s uh… awful advice. Thanks.”

“Sure thing!” Another arm-numbing thump, and Kronk went on his way.

Kuzco had barely gone five feet before Paoqi appeared in front of him. He bowed. “Your highness.”

Kuzco looked back and forth. “Do all of you just _hide_ here in this hallway?”

“Yes your highness. I’ve been standing behind this statue for twelve hours.”

Kuzco stared. “You’re kidding,” he said.

“Yes,” said Paoqi.

Kuzco sighed. “How many years has it been, and I can’t tell?”

“Twenty.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“It’s been twenty years next week.”

Kuzco grinning despite himself. “I don’t know if I like you better or worse since you’ve developed a sense of humor.”

Paoqi grinned. “I came to tell you that the advisors tentatively approve of Qita’s display as Empress-to-be.”

“Good!” Kuzco said. “What did I tell you? Everyone will come around.”

“Yes, your highness.”

“Better get back behind the statue. I’ll be coming back this way.”

“Yes, your highness,” Paoqi said with a grin.

Kuzco danced down the hallway as he had not done in years. “And this perfect world will spin – Around his every little whim,” he whistled, and knocked on his son’s door. There was no answer. He tried to open it. It was locked. “Hey kiddo!” Kuzco called. “Time to come out! You’ve got the whole wide world just waiting for you!”

The door unlatched but did not open. Kuzco stepped inside. Pachi had his back turned, retreating to his bed.

“Hey there!”

Pachi sat down. “Hey,” he said.

“What’d you do today?”

“Learned a new poem.”

“Oh yeah, how long?”

“500 lines.”

“And you learned it all today?”

“Yeah.”

“I swear, you are so smart, you make me look like a marmoset.”

With relief, Kuzco saw Pachi cracking a smile.

“What’s line 484 of the poem?” Kuzco asked.

Pachi rolled his eyes. “Dad, it doesn’t work like that.”

“Guess you’ll just have to recite the first 483 lines for me sometime,” Kuzco said.

Pachi muttered something.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.”

“Was that a joke at my expense?”

“Maybe,” Pachi said, and Kuzco leaned forward to ruffle Pachi’s hair. “ _Dad_ ,” Pachi complained with a grin.

“Get ready for dinner,” Kuzco told him. “We’re celebrating tonight.”

“Celebrating what?”

“First, the fact that I have the coolest son on the _planet_ ,” Kuzco said, and Pachi grinned. “Second, the fact that your mom still loves me after all these years… and third, the fact your sister sat on the throne today!”

Pachi’s face fell. “I’m not hungry,” he said.

“You were hungry a minute ago.”

“No, I wasn’t,” Pachi said, laying down on his bed.

“Hey,” Kuzco protested. “What’s wrong?” Pachi shrugged in response to his question. “I thought you didn’t want to be Emperor,” Kuzco said. “We had to do this whole heir switcheroo thing. The advisors almost skinned me alive!”

“I know.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“Nothing. I’m just not hungry.”

Kuzco sighed. He wasn’t in the mood to argue. “We’ll keep it warm for you for later. Okay?”

Kuzco learned down to ruffle his hair again. Pachi did not respond.

* * *

 

The messenger came at dinner.

“Pacha thinks it appropriate to gather his friends and family members in preparation for his passing,” the messenger said. “He feels it will happen soon.”

For a moment, no one spoke. From the corner of his eye, Kuzco saw Quita and Pachi share a look over the table. The messenger stood still, waiting for instructions.

“You can leave right after dinner,” Qolla said quietly.

“Okay,” Kuzco said. “Wait - just me? You want to stay behind?”

“I know you’ll want some time alone with Pacha,” Qolla insisted. “Qita and I can come in a few days. You and Pachi can leave tonight.”

It took a moment for Kuzco and Pachi to understand Qolla's suggestion.

“Wait, what?” Pachi asked.

“I think it would be nice for you and your father to go together,” Qolla said, taking a sip of her drink. “Pachi, don’t you want to see your Uncle Pacha and Aunt Chicha and Tipi and Chaca and Yupi?”

“Sure,” Pachi said. “But–”

“Your father shouldn’t go alone,” Qolla pointed out. “And this will be a good way for you two to spend some quality time together.”

“Are you setting us up on a play-date?” Kuzco demanded.

“If you’d like to see it that way,” Qolla said, with an innocent look.

Qita giggled, and Pachi kicked her under the table.

Kuzco sighed and turned to the messenger. “Pachi and I will leave in an hour,” he said.

* * *

 

Pachi jolted awake. The walls were unfamiliar. Where was he? He remembered: the vacation home.

They had left for Pacha’s village the night before. It had been the most awkward palanquin ride in the history of palanquin rides. At Pacha's house, Tipo had greeted them at the doorway. He had ushered them into the living room. Yupi was sleeping on some spare cushions and Chaca and her husband Biqo were curled up on the divan across the room. Tipo had whispered, “Waqi and the kids are upstairs with mom and dad. Yupi! Yupi, wake up!”

“Mghm?” Yupi had shifted on the cushions.

“Move over.”

Without waking up, Yupi had rolled over, making some room. His dad had immediately flopped down, leaving a thin space between him and Yupi. And Pachi had run for the door.

“I’m g-gonna go to the vacation house to sleep,” he stuttered.

“Oh come on,” his dad had whispered to Pachi's retreating back. “We’re roughing it!”

Now, Pachi pulled his pillow over his face, trying to slow his breaths. These days, he was always on the verge of panic. He would be fine one moment, and beside himself the next. Little things would set him off – a look in the mirror, a peasant child crying. He would remember his dad’s confusion when he had refused the throne, or his mom’s sad look when Pachi refused to meet another ‘well-bred young lady.’

“I can’t believe you just _left_ ,” Qita had said, cackling with laughter, the night Pachi had excused himself from dinner with the daughter of a family friend. “Dad thinks it’s hilarious,” Qita added.

“Great. As long as you and dad think it’s hilarious, then everything’s fine,” Pachi had snapped.

“Don’t be such a grouch,” Qita had said, playing with the tassels on her dress. “Mom’s just upset ‘cause she wants grandchildren, like yesterday.”

“And I’m not having children,” Pachi had muttered. “I’ve told her.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s all up to me,” Qita had said. “It’ll happen. I’m just waiting for someone to put together a lineup of ‘Potential Husbands’ for me. Ooh, it’ll be just like _The Bachelorette_ ,except I’ll use like, pill bugs instead of roses! Why not give them something good, right?”

Pachi threw his pillow across the room. He rose from the bed and searched the vacation house for breakfast food. He found nothing. Eventually, his gurgling stomach overcame his shame. He trudged back across the hill to join the rest of the family.

When he arrived, it was a madhouse. Yupi and Waqi were helping Chicha in the kitchen. The rest of the family had squeezed themselves around the breakfast table. Pachi gingerly sat down, taking a half-seat at the end of the table bench across from his father.

“Sleep well?” his dad asked.

Pachi nodded.

“I was out like a light the second I put my head down,” his dad said. “Nothing like the snores of ten peasants crammed into two rooms to rock you to sleep.”

Pachi’s mouth twitched. His dad grinned back at him.

“I’m going to stay with your Uncle Pacha today,” his dad said. “Why don’t you hang out with Yupi? He told me he never sees you anymore.”

Pachi’s smile faded. He muttered something non-committal, wolfed down his breakfast, and escaped out the door –

– only to run head-first into Yupi.

“Whoa,” Yupi said with a smile. “Hi!” He was tired and sweaty. He held a stone cutting board in his arms.

“Hi,” Pachi said, looking down.

“How are you?” Yupi asked, shifting the board in his arms. He had taken off his poncho. A drop of sweat ran down his collarbone and disappeared under his shirt. "Pachi?"

"Huh?"

"How are you?"

“I’m all right,” Pachi said. “You?”

Yupi frowned. “Well – I’m helping my mom out the best I can, you know?”

Pachi felt a tug of guilt. “I’m – I’m really sorry about your dad.”

“Thanks,” Yupi said. “He’s – I mean… we all knew it was coming. It’s been getting harder and harder for him. But anyway. How are _you_ doing? You look upset.”

Pachi smiled at Yupi's selflessness. “I’m… I’m okay. Qita’s going to be Empress.”

“Oh,” Yupi said, cocking his head. “That’s good, right? That’s what you wanted?”

“That’s what I wanted,” Pachi affirmed. “But it’s not what my dad wanted.” To his horror, he felt tears welling up. He coughed, trying to disguise them.

“Well, hey,” Yupi said, shifting his weight. “I know you’ve been busy lately. But if you want to visit, I know… um… _mom_ would love to have you,” Yupi finished lamely.

“Um, okay,” Pachi said.

“Pachi, I–”

“Yupi?” Chaca poked her head out of the door. Pachi took the opportunity to escape. No one followed him. He sighed, leaned against the house, and closed his eyes.

* * *

 

Pacha knew he was dreaming because he was in pain. The worst physical pain he had ever felt in his life.

“I _knew_ those stairs were going to break one day,” Chicha whispered, clutching his hand.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Pacha wanted to tell his wife, but he was in too much pain to speak.

The village doctor had come and gone. Then Kuzco’s personal physician had come and gone. They had both said the same thing: rest and wait to heal.

Several days into his convalescence, he had woken to find that Kuzco had replaced Chicha at his bedside. Kuzco grinned when he saw that Pacha was awake.

“Hey, old man,” Kuzco had said. “No, no, don’t get up on my account.”

Pacha would have laughed, but it hurt too much. Kuzco had smiled in sympathy. “Chicha’s catching some ‘Z’s’ downstairs,” he had said. “She left me in charge. Heh. Do you get it? She left _me_ in charge? See it’s funny, ‘cause I’m in charge of the whole country?”

“The kids?” Pacha had managed to ask.

“Chaca took them to the diner,” Kuzco had said. “Probably playing with their Happy Meal toys right now.”

Yupi, at nine years old, was the only one who could be enticed by free toys. Tipo was thirteen and Chaca was fifteen. They had been shooting up like weeds. What if he never recovered? Pacha had thought, desperately. What if he didn’t get to see them grow up?

“Hey,” Kuzco had said, shaking him out of his thoughts. “Stop thinking whatever it was you were thinking and go back to sleep. I’m in charge.”

“Yes… your highness,” Pacha had ground out, managing a grin before going back to sleep.

When he woke up again, Kuzco was still there, but he was older – wrinkled, with streaks of white in his hair. Pacha remembered: He had fallen through the stairs twenty years ago. Yupi and Tipo and Chaca were grown up. And he had been there to see it.

“Well, would you look at that,” Kuzco said. “He’s awake. Rise and shine old buddy of mine.”

“Who are you calling old?” Pacha grumbled. “You know, that lotion you use won’t hide those wrinkles forever.”

“Hey,” Kuzco said with a hint of a grin. “Hey. That’s a low blow.”

“Tough,” Pacha said, and Kuzco smiled.

“Chicha’s making lunch,” Kuzco said. “Tipo’s off swinging his army club at things. Chaca and Yupi are playing with the kids outside. And Pachi is probably hiding under the bed at the vacation home. So it’s just you and me,” Kuzco said.

Pacha squeezed Kuzco’s hand. “What’s going on with him?” he asked.

“Hmm? Who? What’s going on with who?”

“Kuzco…”

“It’s nothing,” Kuzco said. “Pachi is just worried because he didn’t want to be Emperor and the advisors went postal. Everyone still, you know, _loves_ him. He’ll figure it out, he’s a smart kid.”

“Maybe you should tell him yourself,” Pacha reasoned.

“I _have_ told him! Why would you think I hadn’t?”

“Because you do that thing where you pretend to be serious when you’re really joking or pretend you’re joking when you’re really serious.”

Kuzco frowned. “You know me too well,” he said.

“Don’t worry, I won’t go spreading your secrets around. Actually, now might be the perfect time to tell me a secret – it’s not like I’ll be around to share it much longer.”

“Wow.” Kuzco’s frown deepened. “Worst joke ever.”

“Sorry,” Pacha apologized. “At my age, gallows humor kinda takes over.”

Kuzco would not meet his eyes. Pacha gave his hand a squeeze. “Hey,” Pacha said. “You’re a good friend.”

“Hey, don’t get all…” Kuzco began. He was trying to keep his voice from shaking. He was doing it very well. Pacha pulled at Kuzco’s hand until his head had come to rest on Pacha’s chest.

“You know something my mom once told me?” Pacha said, and paused to give Kuzco time to groan. He reached up to rub Kuzco’s back. “She said dying is a part of life. She said if we lived forever without dying, then nothing we did would have any meaning.”

“Did you ever tell your mom she’s terrible at cheering people up?”

Pacha chuckled. “You’re a good guy, Kuzco,” he said. “You’ve always had more good in you than you thought. Remember how you saved my life that one time? Remember? You grabbed me before I fell off the cliff.”

“You’ve saved my life back about a hundred times,” Kuzco said. “You almost sacrificed your _life_ for me.”

“All right – but you were going to sacrifice your life for the whole kingdom during the invasion. Remember that?”

“…Yeah, okay, that was pretty awesome of me,” Kuzco admitted. Pacha squeezed his shoulder. “I’m glad I met you,” Kuzco said suddenly. “If I hadn’t, my life would’ve been awful.”

“I’ve never believed that,” Pacha said.

“Then _your_ life would have been awful,” Kuzco said.

Pacha laughed, although it came out more like a fit of coughing, which made Kuzco start laughing, which made Pacha start laughing harder.

“You’re right,” Pacha said when he could speak again. “Who would have berated me day and night, dragged me all over the country, eaten all my food, scared my llamas away–”

“They almost trampled me to death!”

“Well, anything would sound bad when you–” He was interrupted by a spat of coughing.

“When you say it with that attitude,” Kuzco continued with a grin. They were both still chuckling when Chicha called them for lunch.

* * *

 

Pachi made his way back to the house only after he was sure everyone would be done. Sure enough, when he arrived, the room was deserted. Waqi was cleaning up. Pachi took a plate of leftovers out to the side of the house and sat against the wall to eat.

He had just finished his potatoes when his dad strode around the corner of the house and tripped over his outstretched legs.

“Gah!” his dad yelled as he flew into the dirt. “Ow…”

Wide-eyed, Pachi drew his legs in. His dad coughed, his mouth full of dirt, and raised his head to glare at him. Pachi froze. He could see that his dad had been crying.

“Pachi,” his dad began, pulling himself to his feet. Pachi swallowed as his dad stood and brushed himself off. “What are you doing? Why are you skulking around out here?”

“I–”

“What?”

“I–”

“What?! What?! Look, just _tell_ me what’s wrong!” his dad yelled. “I’m so _sick_ of your _moping_! If you have something to say, just _say_ it! Just _tell_ me!”

Pachi turned on his heel and ran away.

His dad tried to call him back, but he just kept running, running, running. He ran past Tipo and his kids playing in the yard, around the bend and up the hill to the llama fields. By the time he reached the top, his breathing was ragged and his eyesight was blurred with tears. The llamas were grazing in the field in front of him. Yupi was sitting cross-legged in the middle of the herd, combing the knots out of one of the llama’s coats.

Yupi looked up, startled. “Pachi?”

Pachi did not reply. He bent over, hands on his knees, trying to catch his breath.

“Pachi? What’s wrong?” Yupi stood up. “What happened?”

“My dad just,” Pachi sputtered. “I’m sorry, I’m a mess – my dad just yelled at me and – and I’m just so upset. Yupi, I’m just… I’m just _sad_ all the time!”

“It’s okay,” Yupi said, approaching him, palms outstretched. “Listen. Whatever your dad said, he didn’t mean it, okay? He’s just upset about my dad right now. But he’s your _dad_. If you give him a chance, I’m sure he’ll apologize and–”

“No,” Pachi said, shaking his head as Yupi reached for his wrists. “You don’t get it. He doesn’t _like_ me – okay? He likes Qita, he likes my mom, he likes your family but ever since I told him I don’t want to be Emperor he just doesn’t know what to _do_ with me.”

“That’s not true,” Yupi protested. “He’s known you your entire life. He knows that you’re smart and you’re so generous and kind and _curious_ and you don’t _want_ to lead a country, and that’s _fine_!”

“No,” Pachi said, shaking his head. “He doesn't understand. My _mom_ doesn’t even understand. She keeps talking about _grandchildren_ , and about marrying me off, and I know it’s because she _knows_ and she’s hoping it’s not true–”

“Hoping what’s not true?”

Pachi looked up. Yupi was still holding his wrists in his calloused hands. He traced his thumbs over the sensitive skin of Pachi’s wrists. His grip was warm and strong. Pachi leaned in and pressed their lips together.

After a long moment, Pachi tried to step back. But Yupi reached up to hold Pachi’s head in place. He threaded his fingers through Pachi’s shoulder-length hair and wrapping an arm around his waist. Finally they broke apart, panting, their arms still wrapped around each other.

“I’ve wanted to do that for years,” Pachi whispered.

“Me too,” Yupi breathed, and they kissed again. Neither of them saw Kuzco coming over the ridge.

* * *

 

Pacha opened his eyes to see Chicha was sitting at his bedside. She smiled at him. “Pachi and Kuzco had a fight,” she said. “I heard them outside. I think Pachi ran off and Kuzco followed him.”

Pacha nodded. “They’ll work it out.” After a moment, he realized that Chicha had said something in return. “What?” he asked.

“I said, ‘I hope so,’” Chicha said, frowning. “I hope they work it out.” She reached across the bed to feel his forehead.

“It’s getting hard to…” Pacha said, trailing off. He had meant to say something – but what? Finally, he managed to say, “Call the kids inside.”

* * *

 

Kuzco was making his way back to the house, his mind in a daze, when Tipo came sprinting around the bend.

“Whoa, whoa, slow down,” Kuzco said. “Where’s the fire?”

“Is Yupi up there?” Tipo demanded.

“Yeah, but he and Pachi–”

Tipo ran off before Kuzco could finish.

“Hey!” Kuzco yelled, running after him. “Hey wait! They’re – um – they’re a little busy!”

By the time Kuzco reached the top of the hill, Tipo was talking frantically with Yupi. Pachi was standing to the side. They seemed to have broken apart before Tipo got there.

“Come on!” Tipo gestured, and he and Yupi ran back towards the house.

“Hey wait! What’s going on?” Kuzco demanded.

“Dad’s dying,” Yupi told Kuzco. “There’s not much time. Hurry!” And with that, they were gone.

Kuzco stood shock still while Tipo and Yupi ran past him. His gaze fell on Pachi. “You go,” Pachi said. “I’ll catch up.”

Kuzco gazed back towards Pacha’s house. _Pacha_ , Kuzco thought, thinking of his smile, his hugs, his awful advice, his warm gaze. Kuzco would never see him again.

He took two steps to follow Tipo and Yupi, then stopped. He looked back. Pachi was still standing in front of the herd of llamas.

“Pachi,” he said, with a deep breath. “Are you okay?”

Pachi squirmed. “I’m fine,” he said. “Go, there’s not much time.”

Kuzco shook his head. “Pacha isn’t my responsibility,” Kuzco said. “You are.”

Pachi looked up.

“I’m fine,” Pachi repeated.

“No, you’re not,” Kuzco said. “You’re upset. I thought it was about Qita being Empress, but it’s not, is it? Is it about Yupi?”

Pachi flinched.

“Are you afraid that I won’t like it? You and another boy? Are you afraid mom won’t like it?”

Pachi blinked and looked down.

“What are you afraid of?”

Pachi closed his eyes. “I’m afraid–” he said, choking up. He took a deep breath. “I’m afraid that you’re disappointed. I’m afraid you don’t–” His breath hitched. “I’m afraid… I’m not the son you wanted…”

“Hey," Kuzco said. "That is not true. Look at me. That is _not_ true. You are exactly who you were meant to be. Do you hear me? I love you _because_ of who you are – not _despite_ who you are.”

Pachi’s tears spilled over. Kuzco wrapped his arms around him and held him tightly as he sobbed. “It’s okay,” he said. “It’s okay.”

* * *

 

They made their way slowly down the path to the house. When they reached the top of the hilltop, Chaca was sitting on the front steps, her head in her hands. She looked up as they approached.

“Dad went a little while ago,” she said. Her voice had a dead quality, like she was giving a boring report. “All of us were there. He said–” She took a deep breath. “He said that he was glad to see all of us, and he had waited, but he was ready to go. Then he asked about you. Tipo and Yupi were confused. They thought that you were right behind them. But then dad smiled and said, ‘No, no, I see them. Good job Kuzco.’” Chaca sniffed and wiped her eyes. “He went a little while later.”

From the house, Yupi emerged out of the doorway, tears falling freely down his cheeks. Kuzco dropped his arm. “Go on,” he said. Pachi went to put a hand on Yupi’s shoulder, and they held each other tightly.

* * *

 

That night, Kuzco dreamed.

“All I’m saying,” Kuzco told Pacha. “Is that it was different when you had kids.”

“Uh huh.”

“Back in the days when dinosaurs roamed the earth.”

“Okay, okay, I get it,” Pacha said. “I’m old.”

They were sitting in their usual booth at Mudka’s Meat Hut. Qolla was eight months pregnant, relaxing with Chicha at the pool. She had demanded that Pacha ‘get Kuzco out of the house.’ “Just get him out my hair for a few hours,” she had demanded. “He’s driving me crazy.”

“Your kids are great, don’t get me wrong,” Kuzco said. “But you didn’t have the entire empire breathing down your neck about them.”

“You don’t have the entire–”

“Excuse us your highness!”

Pacha and Kuzco turned to look at the two peasant girls who had interrupted them. “We just want to say we’re _so_ happy about your baby,” one of them squealed.

“We can’t want to find out if it’s a boy or a girl!”

“The whole empire is just waiting with bated breath!”

They bowed and ran away, giggling.

Kuzco turned to glare at Pacha.

“Okay, I take your point,” Pacha said. “But at least Qolla seems to be doing okay.”

“I don’t know how she can be so calm,” Kuzco muttered. “ _She’s_ the one who’s going to have the baby. Not _have_ , you know what I mean, _have–_ have.”

“It’s scary,” Pacha affirmed. “But I promise, you’ll love your kids so much, you won’t even believe it. You know, every time Tipo grows another inch, or whenever Chaca wears her hair a certain way and she just looks just like her mother… or whenever you make some smart-aleck remark about my age…”

Kuzco blinked. “What, did you adopt me while I wasn’t paying attention?”

“Apparently,” Pacha said with a grin. “Finish your pill bug.”

“All right, _dad_.” Kuzco said it sarcastically, but the word made both of them grin. Kuzco glanced quickly up at Pacha, then down at his food. Pacha felt his heart melt a little.

“You know, these disgusting things really aren’t that bad,” Kuzco said, taking a sip through his straw.

"You finally admit it?"

Kuzco glared at him. "I don’t know why I keep hanging out with you. I think you’re a bad influence.”

“ _I’m_ a bad influence?”

“Yeah – do you remember that time you turned me into a llama and kidnapped me?”

“That was all part of my plan to make you into a good person and become your friend,” Pacha pointed out.

“I knew it...”

“It was also part of my plan to introduce you to diner food. Oh, oh – do you remember–” Pacha began.

“Yeah, yeah!” Kuzco put on a high falsetto. “‘And an onion log – to split!’” They burst out laughing.

“So,” Pacha said, still chuckling. “Have you given any thought to names?”

Kuzco’s smile faltered. He seemed to be deciding whether or not to be serious or make a joke. It was an expression Pacha had become very familiar with over the years.

“Yeah, we’ve thought about names,” Kuzco said. “I mean, yeah, technically, the name is already chosen for me. Our kid should be named after my father. Just like I was named after grandfather Kuzco.”

“Oh. So it’s all decided then.”

“Yeah…” Kuzco said, but would not meet Pacha’s eyes.

A month later, Pacha was introduced to little Pachi.

“I thought he was supposed to be named after your father,” Pacha had said. Kuzco had stared at him until Pacha had realized what Kuzco was saying. “Oh!” Pacha said. “I… this means… I… thank you.”

“You’re welcome, grandpa.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That first scene where Pacha and Kuzco are sitting back to back in the llama field was actually inspired by a piece of fanart I saw on Deviantart by XtreamCrazy. She came up with the idea, not me - credit where credit is due!


	4. Epilogue

The day after the funeral, Kuzco walked through the halls of the palace before dinner, feeling his age in his bones. His feet brought him to the dungeons.

“Your highness,” one of the guards acknowledged.

“I’m here to see her,” Kuzco said. The guards unlocked the door and let him into Yzma’s cell.

Kronk’s new curtains were fluttering in the breeze. Yzma sat in a corner, reading the op-ed section. Her eyes narrowed at Kuzco as he walked in.

“Well well well,” Yzma said. “His highness graces me with his presence.” She folded her paper and threw it down on the table. “What do _you_ want?”

Kuzco paused, searching for the words. “Yzma," he began. "How old are you?”

Yzma rolled her eyes. “Oh my, what a charming little _joke_ your Highness.”

“I’m serious,” Kuzco said. He reached out and pulled a chair closer to the table. “I remember you from when I was a kid. Now I’m fifty years old and you look _exactly_ the same. I mean… did you drink the elixir of life? What?”

Yzma glared at him from under her beaded lashes and said nothing.

Kuzco sighed and rubbed his neck. “You know, Pacha’s funeral was yesterday,” he volunteered. “You remember him, right? From that whole thing where you turned me into a llama? …Yeah. Anyway… he was really… uh…” Kuzco choked on the words ‘important to me.’ “I’m sorry he’s dead,” Kuzco finished lamely. A memory occurred to him, and he laughed. “I remember – haha – I remember being so confused about him when we first met. He said there was ‘good in everyone.’ I thought it so dumb. Good in everyone? What a dumb thing to say. But… I guess I’m about the same age now as he was back then. And I think I get it.”

He looked up, meeting Yzma’s glare.

“I know you’re not going to believe me,” Kuzco said. “But I’m sorry things turned out this way. I was a pretty awful human being before I met him. If we hadn’t met, I would have hurt a lot more people, not just you. So… yeah. I’m sorry. Curtains look nice. I’ll see you later.”

Kuzco rose to go.

“I don’t know,” Yzma said.

Kuzco blinked. “Know what?”

Yzma rolled her eyes. “My age. There was an accident in the lab when I worked for your father. Ever since then…” She spread her thin arms, as if to say ‘As you see.’

“I never thought to ask,” Kuzco said.

“I have no idea when I’ll be _dead_ , or if I’ll ever depart this earthly realm,” Yzma continued, as though Kuzco had not spoken. “As far as I know, I’ll live forever.” She grinned, showing all of her teeth. “And I promise you,” she said. “I _will_ get out of here and I _will_ destroy you and take control of the empire if it’s the last thing I ever do!”

Kuzco stared at her. She seemed to be waiting for a response.

Kuzco opened his mouth to reply, when a thought struck him. The echo of an old ghost, speaking behind her words: ‘I hope you realize this doesn’t change a thing,’ the ghost said, selfish and lonely and sure of himself. ‘I’m still building Kuzcotopia when I get back.’

Kuzco grinned at the memory. Yzma’s smile faltered. “We'll see about that,” Kuzco mused. “After all, forever is a long time. Who knows? You might change your mind.”

The End


End file.
